Yeah, I shrugged at Leelo’s behavior, and at the time I thought it was just because I’ve worked so much with dogs and horses. But then I had a realization:

I’ve spent the last 5 years watching my darling, rosy, girly-looking daughter trying to beat the snot out of any and all at Tae Kwon Do. AND she is so proud of her wounds, scars, and bruises: (“Oh, that’s where Jun tagged me with the bo staff, this one over here is when I didn’t block Becca’s strike, and that big one? That’s when I nailed Peter but he got me on a roundhouse kick.”)

Kind of changes your attitude about people hitting, striking, and kicking other people. Al says, “I LOVE sparring!!”

Thanks and keep hangin’ in there. You’re doing such a great job. Those boys (and your girls) are very blessed.

Joey has a Thursday Friend for therapy, and that mmo also has a child my Andy’s age with ASD. Both children are aggressive. She also has the bruises and the bites. Tossing the child into his room is not an option- for one, she has two of them, and for two, they would hurt themselves. She isn’t just choosing to “live that way.” She is choosing to protect and help her children, and sometimes you get battle wounds along the way.

We’ve been lucky. Joey’s temperment means we don’t get the level 10 meltdowns on a daily basis anymore. I don’t have to restraint him very often. It is very insulting to get dirty looks or judgments about when it is necessary, and when I get a mark. I’m certainly not going to second-guess or armchair-parent for my friend, often dealing with two meltdowns at once, on her own, and trying to keep those boys from hurting themselves and/or each other. Constructive advice is one thing. Nagging and criticizing is quite another.

“A part of me died that day!” I always say to Arie, who of course doesn’t get the joke, but I have a laugh.

Arie, who is extremely high functioning, even for an Aspie, and thus no one gets him, has spit in my and his teacher’s faces, bitten (although that, mercifully, has stopped), kicked, and head-butted with startling accuracy and force. He’s scratched. Most of the pain he’s caused, though, has been just by flailing around in a frenzy, utterly unaware of what he’s doing.

My shins and arms are generally covered in bruises, although I, like you, rejoice in the fact that it’s far, far less often now, and Arie has begun suddenly in the past few months to show remorse and touching concern.

I lie, though. I tell people I’m clumsy. I’m a classically trained dancer. I’m not clumsy. But that’s what I tell them, because I just don’t want to hear it.

You’re right; the ones who you can tell already know from experience.

I put the child down and moved.

My youngest is ‘non-verbal’. But I still remember his 2 yr Dr’s appt when he was rummaging in her drawers and I said “NO”. He closed them. The Dr was surprised. We taught him… every day. No.. means exactly that “no”. Took a LONG time, lots of hand over hand and redirection.

It’s not “ok” to be assaulted, by anyone. And if you start from day 1, it can be stopped. When I was pregnant the eldest – who was non-verbal and stoned on dairy at the time – learned quick to either sit nice or not sit with Mom. I put him on the floor and moved. He screamed, I walked away.

This (and toiletting and speech – even just one word communication) are my top 3 things anything else is a bonus. I refused to have them kicked out of school or put in a behavioural class or be embarrassed by his behaviour. I’d heard all the horror stories and decided I could not live like that. I’ve worked on it since they were 6mths old and started to crawl. Rules have never, ever changed. Took constant work… still takes constant work. They are 7 (fully verbal) and 5 (non-verbal).

But it’s been worth every moment. Every time they go to a program, every time we go to a family “do”, every time they go to school, and I get a “your children are fun to be with”… I try to remember that when I’m in the midst of a temper and remember to hold my ground and walk away. Now, if I can get the last one toiletted… I’ll consider anything else a bonus.

S.

And I think you should write a book. In a few years, when the trajectory towards “easier” has continued, you should compile your posts and shop them around. As a reader, I am moved and amazed and a little in love with you (um, in a good way).