Grumpy is as grumpy does
I drink coffee through as straw as instructed by the Dental Devils and sulk. Another visit to the dentist brings more bad news. Ten months after surgery we are still struggling. I am sorely tempted to clamp a bag of espresso to my hip and drink it intravenously, just to avoid all possible current and future mouth issues. However, I don't want to tempt fate. It seems only a tiny step until I'll be old enough to wear a colostomy bag instead, an area of fashion as yet untouched by Calvin Klein.
The word 'dentist' and all derivatives have been banned from the household. I refuse to allow my children to pick up negative vibes. They will have American attitudes towards dentistry if it kills me. Spouse and I will not whisper about the subject either, because our offspring have more finely attenuated hearing that the average owl. They absorb our body language and the instinctive shivers that pass between us. Their father's facial expression needs no interpretation. When he clamps his hands over his mouth and screws up his eyes, all three small people wince in response.
I tried so hard to be jolly with the new pharmacist but we do not appear to enjoy the same sense of humour. This is probably just as well for other patients patronizing this establishment.
I toss back another couple of antibiotics as instructed by the dentist. This is a preamble to another fishing expedition for various assorted hardware, to include but not limited to, loose screws and lumps of cement. I am sadly disappointed with the dental community, not for their lack of dentistry skills but for their complete failure to comprehend Elephant jokes. What manner of medical professional is unfamiliar with such hilarity? Are they all childless or are they just foreign?
“Don't worry,” he soothed, as I submitted to yet another x-ray to ensure that I am totally radioactive, if not magnetic.
“So you're just looking for just those two things then?” I ask, an unnecessarily.
“Yes.”
“Just allow ten days for the infection to calm down?”
“That's right. Everything will be just fine.”
For two pins I would just curl up under the desk and admit defeat. Take up permanent residence. In fact I would, but they don’t have an espresso machine.
“I'm sure we'll find whatever they are, when we open you up. Very tiny.” I should probably ask an intelligent question, or maybe two? I should probably ask an intelligent medically question, but I can’t think of any, apart from ‘does it hurt?’ but I already know the answer. I am heartily sick of being the tiniest percentage of dental patients, I want a different spot on the bell curve.
“I didn't do anything wrong, it's just bad luck?” I beg.
“Good luck that we found it just in time!” It doesn't feel lucky to me.
“Right. Let's hope you just find those two then, and not any elephants?” I offer, as a means of dispersing the tension, although it may only be my own. The radiologist and the surgeon exchange meaningful glances. The radiologist steps closer. She has more qualifications after her name than would fit on the average business class envelope. She smiles to expose her birthright, a perfect line of pearly enamel tombstones. “You know,” she says tapping the x-ray, “an elephant would show up on this.” I examine her face to locate a smirk, spot a wink or some other tiny clue that we are on the same wavelength, as I don't want to keep making the same mistake over and over again. Blank. I give up. I go home.
What is commonly referred to as 'dry mouth' in the States, would more accurately be described as glue mouth. I pout at my son as he demonstrates his vastly superior lip closure, him of the speech delayed camp.
“You are dah suck again?”
“I am.”
“I am dah suck too. See?” he slurps, just to show off. “You can be do dat too?” he taunts. I temper my reply, “well no actually. As it happens I'm having a hard time getting to the bottom of the mug.” I try and remove the sneary tone from my voice.
“Ooo, you are dah dribble.” I dab my chin and demonstrate my perfect mastery of etiquette and table manners.
“Ooo, not dah mouth. Dah mouth is being clean.” I examine the napkin. It is clean, not a coffee stain of dampness. I suppress swear words and dash off to the mirror in the bathroom because my nose is still numb and lies to me frequently. Footfalls follow me at high speed. Oh for a bit of privacy! I peer into the mirror. My son inserts himself between me and the mirror, so that we can both look at my reflection, although not admiringly. Oh the joy of joint attention!
“See! You are dah snot!” I grab a handful of toilet paper and dab gently, as nerve endings are thoroughly unreliable around here.
“Don be sad.”
“I'm not sad,” I respond far to quickly and in the wrong tone.
“Soon you are not dah snot. Soon you are dah big sucker.”
Whilst it sounds like an insult, it’s really a rallying cry, a supportive gesture. Yet another demonstration of the heartless, soulless autism that we know and love so well. Rats to the “Theory of Mind.”
Ain't that the truth.
October 22nd, 2007 at 10:31 pm
Children today are lucky when it comes to dentistry. Mine certainly don’t understand my anxiety over a dental visit. I think all the dentists of old went to the Marque De Sade School of Dentistry and Pain.
October 22nd, 2007 at 11:10 pm
We’re all with you!
I was just thinking TOM when I saw you had noted it—–nothing between one and one’s coffee.
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:31 am
poor you. i hope you feel better soon. the bit at the end had me getting tearful. i so hate the rubbish that is talked about empathy being missing in autistic people. my son is far kinder and more empathic than a lot of supposedly ‘normal’ people…i love your little folks
October 23rd, 2007 at 1:15 am
(((hugs))) hope it gets better soon.
October 23rd, 2007 at 4:29 am
Love your kids…more perceptive than some adults I know.
Hope your snot goes away soon.
Love,
Suzy
October 23rd, 2007 at 5:03 am
I still think the whole “they don’t have Theory of Mind” thing is because people still assume if you can’t talk or sommunicate, you can’t feel or think. They equate not being able to speak with being stupid. In actuality, it betrays their own ignorance. Grrr.
October 23rd, 2007 at 5:20 am
I know you have wrote about your nose betraying you before but I forget, did that dentist do that to you? Will you get feeling back? Good thing you have your sons to watc over you to make sure your not out in public with a snotty nose
October 23rd, 2007 at 5:50 am
I hope you get feeling well soon. Dentistry is scary but so necessary. Good luck!
October 23rd, 2007 at 5:50 am
Yikes, I hope all this gets sorted out soon. Gotta love how observant those boys of yours are.
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:08 am
Bless your heart! I remember when I fell apart it seemed around my 40th birthday, and I had a seris of root canals and crowns. Oh, God, it was awful. I hope you are feeling better. Precious kids yours are. I’ve never known a funny dentist.
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:10 am
Not sure what the American attitude of dentistry is…hubby and I are near tears and vomiting when we go. I have panic attacks. I am not sure if it’s the thousands of dollars we owe — or pain of many crowns, root canals, post/cores, absesses, infections — or fear that makes us feel that way. We finally found a pediatric dentist that *got* the boys, but Moosie screamed bloody murder during his 2 back fillings (according to Hubby, I was near fainting in the waiting room). Bubba had 2 crowns and a few fillings, but he was worked on under anesthesia, so he thinks the dentist is pretty cool since he doesn’t remember being tortured.
In any case, I wish you a speedy recovery, and that the grumpies leave.
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:16 am
Wishing you a speedy recovery. May you become a “big sucker” soon!
October 23rd, 2007 at 8:53 am
This has got to be the funniest post I have read on this blog thus far. It was priceless!
But I have to ask… what is an American attitude toward dentistry? How is it different?
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:12 am
Hmm let me see now? A very valid point. I will tell you all about American attitudes to dentistry and you will tell me where I am going wrong =
Preventative medicine / get em young
Painfree
So far so good?
The alien’s perspective =
by our teeth shall ye know us Americans
we flash our enamel and defeat you
we smile more often and more widely than any other nation on the planet to deliberately intimidate you
you aliens must remove your wisdom teeth on arrival in the airport, it is unAmerican to have wisdom teeth
Cheers dearies
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:11 am
Ah its so wonderful when you have an audience!
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:34 am
Don’t forget the mandatory teeth-whitening! I was born with “bad” teeth…everything from damaged and soft enamel to discoloration to an overbite and gap between my front teeth. I definitely do not fit into the ideal American mouth…check out my recent pictures, I dare you to find intimidating flashy teeth!
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:06 am
I have to admit that teeth have not ever been my problem. My best friend (American) has been through hell with hers. Oh, but I make up for the pride of teeth with my multitude of other problems. You shall know this American by her pain.
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:22 am
Great post Madeline. Your kids are quite brilliant. Ashley
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Good perspective, its irritating when simple things seem so hard…
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Oy, so sorry.
October 23rd, 2007 at 5:52 pm
I have to say, I have had no problems with my teeth (including being one of the few people dentists have ever seen with their wisdom teeth) and am making up for it in spades with DS. I would rather have had horrible teeth myself.
October 24th, 2007 at 2:51 am
What a kind, considerate little boy you have. Hope you become a sucker soon.
October 24th, 2007 at 4:46 am
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Great post! Feel better soon
October 24th, 2007 at 5:46 am
awwww HUGS I cannot imagine drinking coffee through a straw … you poor poor thing!
October 24th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Ahhh… I see now. Very interesting! And true!
Although I am one of the weird Americans who still has her wisdom teeth.
December 26th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
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