Modern Love
Being a parent in the modern world is far more difficult than in the days when children were seen and not heard, where nannies took on the majority of responsibility and parents were left free from such troubles. “Many” feel that children take advantage of their home life and are “unappreciative” of the many years that their poor benighted parents have lavished upon them.
A long time ago, in England, when we barely had two chick peas to rub together, I also felt overwhelmed. Later when we came to the States and still hardly had more than a couple of garbanzo beans to rub together, parenting became even more difficult. It became more difficult because we did not have the financial resources to fulfil our daughter’s every whim and the temptations were tenfold.
The gap between them and us, widened. Dissatisfaction grew all around. Thus it was, that when she announced her need for independence and escape, we were happy to scrape together the air fare to China, where my brother lived. He willing took on the responsibility of being the watchful, rather than the ‘evil’ eye.
A few months in China, was an eye opener. Education was a privilege. Plumbing was desirable. Hygiene followed different standards. Everyone worked and worked hard.
The months of her absence were long, for me at least, but when she returned to us, she had returned to the idealistic individual she had been prior to the hormones. Whilst I’d like to confirm that we sent her off to “darkest Africa,” that was in fact, her own volitional choice.
Now I have a chance to instill choices in the current generation of children that I am responsible for. Consideration, co-operation and teamwork are not values that are easy to install in any child, least of all those with dodgy wiring systems.
I remember a school trip to the local Humane Society. The idea was to foster a sense of community in the children. There were a wide variety of donations that the children could provide, from home made chew toys and snacks, to old blankets and cast off socks. My reluctance to co-operate with the plan was entirely personal. I would happily donate the goods, make the toys, give of my time and effort, even money, but there was there was no way I was going to subject the boys to such an ordeal. I might just have managed one of them, but two and my daughter as well meant we would have all be eaten alive.
The car transition would be monumental. The noise, smell and crowd would be overwhelming. My list of ‘completely impossible’ was encompassed and magnified by such a trip. It would not be possible to design a social story to dim the pain. No amount of modeling would get us even close to appropriate behaviour. I think it was about at that same time that I fully realized the enormity of what autism can mean to some individuals. They loved dogs, adored cats, but this pleasant day’s outing was the equivalent of throwing them into the lions den with real lions. I remember a great feeling of sadness that they were unable to do what they would love to do.
But that’s part of the great joke, a trick that some parents fall for hook, line and sinker. A bottom feeder parent like me, with a little luck, can learn to lure and bait, tease and tempt, coax and corral. In essence, over the past 26 years I have learned that the original parenting skills, still work today. The times and decades change. The techniques have different labels and are more politically correct.
What is the best and most effective method of parenting? It’s the oldest one, adopted by cavemen and cavewomen and used on their cavechildren – ‘go catch a lion and we’ll all have dinner.’ The best method, tried, trusted and true is ‘bribery and corruption.’ There is no doubt in my mind, as I have the evidence before me. The Humane Society is no longer in the category of ‘torture,’ it is in the category of ‘treat.’
October 6th, 2007 at 10:11 pm
[...] You can read the rest of this blog post by going to the original source, here [...]
October 6th, 2007 at 10:16 pm
That lion looks very hungry!
Not only in regard to parenting, but to “life’s lessons” more generally, I often realize I travel far mostly with the purpose of coming back home.
October 7th, 2007 at 12:59 am
[i think your first comment may be one of those spam sites that nicks your copyright - if it is it may be worth reporting them]
anyway – back to the real stuff: i love so many things about this post – the ‘dodgy wiring’ – when my son wanted to know how to explain his autism to people i showed him the inside of a computer and said that he was wired up differently, so some bits worked extra fast and were twice as efficient ad other bits didn’t work as well because the volume control and the brightness were cranked up too high…
and the bribery: when we had to go through the ordeal of new shoes, we went to the local shoe shop where there is a border collie owned by the lady to stroke and a nice old-fashioned sort of lady you always speaks about ‘what mummy thinks’ in the third person, and arrangement which worked very well for my son. beforehand we would have a big debate about the correct amount of bribery (we have always been completely up front about it being bribery). one time we settled on a mars bar. (i used to get the bribery negotiations out of the way at home to avoid looking like a bad parent).
in the shop, my son told the lady gleefully about how he had been offered bribery for the shoes, then turned to me and said “was that one mars bar for each foot?” i grinned sheepishly at the lady and paid a lot of attention to the dog.
there is a postscript to his – my friend, who also has autistic kids, was driving past the shoe shop lady one day and offered her a lift as she had heavy shopping. the lady declined as she was nearly home but when my friend next bought shoes the lady chatted to my friend and learnt a lot about the nature of autistic feet which she might not have known before. so future tender-footed people will meet with a very understanding shoe lady…
ps sorry i keep writing such long comments, i get the idea this is bad manners in blogworld, but your posts always make me think of loads of things)
October 7th, 2007 at 1:35 am
Id agree with the bribery method! If it works, do it!
October 7th, 2007 at 3:37 am
I’m a huge fan of ‘bribery and corruption’ – no shame in it at all!
October 7th, 2007 at 4:51 am
Yes to all of it, but the piece that reached out and nabbed me was the “dodgy wiring system,” and then the comment about the inside of a computer. Recently I read somewhere that autism is like being a Mac in a world of PCs. I love these quirky, quick little metaphors because they speak volumes in just five words or less, just what you need for driving the point home when you need to drive the point home…
xx
k
October 7th, 2007 at 6:38 am
Bribery always works. I am trying to remember, but I think I had to bribe the girls way more then the boy.
October 7th, 2007 at 6:50 am
It’s not bribery. It’s positive reinforcement. Most folks work to get paid, rather than working to not get fired.
October 7th, 2007 at 7:55 am
In theory I don’t like bribery. In reality it is my best friend.
October 7th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Always love a worthwhile bribe…..
Love
Suzy
October 9th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
About that potty stuff….I too wonder about the inhibitions about–or is it the affection for?– bathroom lingo. Whereas potty is childish, “I need the pot,” is macho. Hmmm… I teach at a university where butt cracks and cleavage are actually part of the fashion statement; nevertheless, the inhibitions about potty remain. Why, when you’re out there half naked, can’t you at least say bathroom?