Spoil the child
A long time ago I was young mother and divorced.
I worked full time and farmed my daughter out to the only, and most expensive child care centre in the city. Whilst she slept at night, I burned the midnight oil to gain further qualifications, to brighten our future prospects. With hindsight I should have burned the paper qualifications on the flame, but the young are fortunately short sighted. We would run through a check list in the morning of all the many things that we had to remember. Sometimes an important item failed to achieve 'list status' and was over looked. Later in the day when I received a phone call from the school or a note home, I would have to admit my error. It was a harsh lesson for both of us. If my employer had been more understanding, if public transport had been a little more efficient, I might have managed to deliver whatever it was that I had forgotten, but all to often she just had to do without. I would comfort myself with the knowledge that those mistakes would help both of us be less forgetful.
Even then, I find it hard to imagine an employer permitting an employee to take the afternoon off to go and deliver a forgotten tennis racket or hockey stick. Maybe it was a different era or a different culture or a different attitude towards children and their needs? Whatever it was, or is, such behaviour by a parent would be frowned upon. Ultimately there would be a price to pay, whether that be in the form of a lack of promotion or a dock in pay. When it comes to cost benefit analysis, a different era brings a different price tag.
Twenty years later, I appear to be even more forgetful, but I comfort myself with the knowledge that I now have four times as many things to remember. My son has a wide variety of preferred talismen, without which, he becomes immobile. These preferred things change from day to day and from week to week. A few weeks ago these things could broadly be categorized as sticks, long handled things such as toilet brushes, toilet plungers and walking canes. I consider it a considerable coup that he now accepts smaller versions, that still adhere to the general principle of 'stick.' The four inch plastic lance, is always clasped in his tight little sweaty palm. It keeps him safe at all times, except whilst he is in school, where different and more socially acceptable talismen are permitted. The fact that he accepts that different things are permitted in school as opposed to home, is also a tremendous coup because many autistic children have difficulty generalizing 'rules' from one situation to another.
Thus it is, because of the 'generalizing' issue, that we stumble. My son is to go to another child's house for a play date. Horray! On delivery, he finds that he is without his talisman. Friend's house is not home, nor is it school, it is a different place. Since friend's house is more closely categorized as 'home' rather than 'school,' he is unable to enter the premises without the talisman. I dither at the impasse. We sit in the car, by the curb outside friend's house. He refuses to exchange the comparative safety of the car for friend's now familiar house. He boils are fever pitch at the unfairness of it all, wild and riled. His exchange system categories are mis-filed. I think. I need a strategy. When his screams change to whimpers, friend's mum toils to come up with acceptable alternatives, but none of the bribes work. I dither. If he needs the lance to be safe when he's in his very own home, surely his need is all the greater, in someone else's home? I decide to negotiate with my 6 year old. I make a tentative suggestion. I almost whisper because I don't want to rekindle the embers of his meltdown.
He steps out of the car and into the warm and waiting home of his pal. I fasten my safety belt to drive home. As I drive my mind fills with wicked little American words like ‘enabler’ and ‘co-dependency’ and ‘nit wit.’ I collect the lance and return within 20 minutes. He has waited 1200 seconds for his lance. 1200 of delayed gratification must be an all time record. May Mother Nature turn a blind eye to the fact that the planet is defiled for yet another unnecessary car trip.
Moral – if you plan to beat yourself up over your failures, spare the toilet brush and accept beguiled.
New post up on “alien,” dedicated to my chum.
October 26th, 2007 at 12:56 am
Kaeden also has his “must haves”…all of which are housed in his ‘purse’which he cannot leave home without, excpet to go to school. In this purse are all sorts of little papers, candy wrappers, business cards, game boy games (not necessarily the game boy) and a stuffed animal or 2. We DO NOT leave home without it or we pay for it. When we took the car into the garage a few weeks back, he forgot to take his purse out in his state of sleep (fell asleep in the car). He was fine without it UNTIL we left the house to go someplace. He cried and pleaded and I really didn’t know what to do. I had no clue at the time where his purse was. He finally accepted the offering of another old purse of mine with a bunch of crap jammed in and was fine til we got our car back…the joy on his face when being reunited with his purse was one I will never forget.
October 26th, 2007 at 1:32 am
we have driven 50 miles in the middle of the night to fetch bertha the bear (the same bear who was left in a rucksack under a cafe table in venice airport, necessitating me running in flip flops, while recovering from a snapped achilles, all the way back through security, past men with machine guns, through x-rays, to avoid her being mistaken for a bomb and blown up).
my son now has a rubber frog whose legs he can twang. luckily at school they have a box of ‘fiddlies’ for the fiddly kids so if the frog gets left behind anywhere he can borrow a similar frog which seems to do the trick (luckily – as he goes to school by taxi and it is quite a trip to drop things off). i totally get this – my desk at work is covered in fiddlies that i play with the whole time and drive my colleagues mad…
October 26th, 2007 at 2:43 am
A whole 20mins. That is great.
October 26th, 2007 at 5:40 am
Yep, fantastic that he waited there for you for a whole 20 mins whilst you went to retreive the all important item. Patrick used to carry a train with him. Had to sleep with it, travel with it, eat with it in one palm, etc. And if he forget it somewhere….let’s just say we bought a few extras. And he had to have a specific expression on his face, *sigh* Memories.
October 26th, 2007 at 5:57 am
Your post was great. It brought back a flood of memories of similar situations with my daughter. When I think about how many times I have sat in my car trying to get Maizie to transition to another place and in my mind running through what to do as she is having a very difficult time, crying, screaming etc….well, it is amazing we have come as far as we have. I remember feeling on the verge of panic on a few occassions. These things still happen but usually with less severity than when she was four, five or six. Maizie also has a hard time leaving and began a habit that is kinda bad but we still do it. She insists on taking something from the house we are at. It used to be a toy or an object she wanted but eventually we got her to accept a baggie of a sanck. It can’t be a snack I brought. It has to be something prepared and given to her by whatever family we are visiting. Luckily, most people we know are understanding but I have gotten some looks.
October 26th, 2007 at 7:13 am
Guilty! I have driven home to retrieve blankets, tapes, and a frisbee. Jaysen’s “objects” change by the day or week as well, and it is very difficult to try and predict which “lovey” will be acceptable at that moment. But…he knows what he wants, and (luckily) usually where it’s located.
October 26th, 2007 at 9:52 am
Thankfully my little guy doesn’t have this issue. However…my last charge, oh boy! And might I say..that he was a “typical” child and still had this requirment.
October 26th, 2007 at 10:02 am
20 minutes! That’s great. I tried to get DS to attach to something to make sleeping easier (the idea being he wouldn’t need me). Now, when he climbs into my bed in the a.m., he brings a pillow, 2 stuffed animals, and a blanket. Sigh.
October 26th, 2007 at 11:48 am
We don’t have a list of “must haves” at this point in time… but I would have done the same thing!! A trip home is worth the effort if it helps
October 26th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
I am so impressed that he was able to wait so long. What a nice mom!! I don’t think you should feel guilty about either situation. We do what we have to do.
October 26th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
Leah had tiny stuffed animals that she carried around for years. She would leave them in the car when we went places, but insisted they had to be buckled in and the doors all checked to be sure they were locked just incase someone tried to steal her animals.
October 26th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
wow, a play date! I’d like one of those.
That is one super duper cool lance.
October 26th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Glad everything worked out.
October 26th, 2007 at 9:55 pm
A friend once told me her view of parenting: “You do whatever works for you.” That’s what you did that day. You felt that you dithered. You felt that you should feel guilty for negotiating. You did what worked for you. It’s not for the rest of us to even have an opinion.
(‘tho I do: you’re terrific)
October 27th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
You are the sweetest mom.
November 17th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Wow! I’m extremely impressed that he went in and waited. Yay, both of you!