Surprise, surprise
All too often I am amazed by the boys. Considering that they have negligible social skills, it is surprising how they instinctively get some things perfectly right, all by themselves with absolutely no assistance from me or anyone else.
I have already mentioned, that on the whole, they don't do too well with unique visitors. The more often someone visits, the more quickly they'll adjust, but someone who just calls the once, usually comes off the worse for the experience. That said, there are always the exceptions. Not so long back some friends of ours came to visit. Usually we see them in the evening, all of us being child free having mortgaged our souls to a babysitter. Today they come with their youngest child, a sweet toddler of the female persuasion, whilst their older children are occupied with older children occupations elsewhere.
When the door bell rings, my children mob the front door to welcome guests in their own unique ways. The toddler hides behind the safe knees of her mother as by comparison, my children are fast moving and extremely loud. Both the boys spot the little girl. I clamp a discrete palm over my own youngest, whose current phrase is 'girlz are stoopid! Girlz are stoopid! Girlz are stoopid!” which he repeats all to frequently regardless of company and generally without any reference to anything specific. He could just as easily say “nuts are round,” with the same tone of derision. His more socially adept, but oblivious older brother, notices my hand and connects the dots without assistance. He steps forward and crouches down to be on eye level with the toddler. How does he know that his bulk might be intimidating for a little one? “Hi, you are a girl?” he says it quietly, with a friendly soft tone and a gentle smile. The toddler grins, in silence. His head flicks back to his little brother, just to check, “oh no! You must not be saying that!” he hisses at him, a warning. I reassure.
“I can show you my room?” he offers. The toddler squirms, but still grins. “Maybe we can find some toys for you?” His brother chimes in, “you wanna play Pokemon wiv us?” His generous offer is quashed by his brother, “no dumbass, she just a little. We need to find er……small toys…….no……toys fur little kids.” Both boys hare off in unison, in a race to find the perfect toy for a small visitor.
Their exchanges are so swift that it's hard to keep track of them as they're on a roll, motivated. Each suggestion by the little one, is ridiculed by the older, “no, dumbass! Oopsie! Sorry. I dun mean to hurt yur feelings.”
“Das o.k. Wot about dis one?”
“No, dumbass! Oopsie! Sorry. I dun mean to hurt yur feelings. She could swallow dat, it's too small for a little kid.”
“Das o.k. Wot about dis one?”
“No, dumbass! Oopsie! Sorry. I dun mean to hurt yur feelings. Dat's a scarry fing for a little kid.”
“Das o.k. Wot about dis one?”
“No, dumbass! Oopsie! Sorry. I dun mean to hurt yur feelings. Dat's a boy fing …..er…well…..I dunno maybe.” They continue this exchange whilst the toddler behind them wades through the growing pool of discarded substandard offerings. He sees her out of the corner of his eye and launches himself at her, “no, no, no” he cooes, “dat is too dangerous for you.” He whips the wooden toy hammer away like a pick pocket and slips back a flower with the slight of hand of a conjurer. His categories may be a bit off, but his intentions are pure.
I'm sure that there are a lot of boys around who have little brothers and sisters. They're kind and gentle with them. There are other children without the benefits of modeling, who behave similarly. They're comfortable being goofy and soppy with youngsters. My son has always been tender hearted when it comes to babies and toddlers, it could almost be part of the diagnoses. Such behaviour is so easily explained – he has a speech delay and poor social skills, it is easier for him to communicate with someone who is not a threat. It is not an explanation that I warm to.
When people connect autism with a lack of emotion and empathy, I am saddened. My children now have words, which they use and share with us. As often as not, even if these autistic children share the same humanity, they may not be able to express it in a way that we're capable of understanding. Just because we can't see it or hear it, doesn't mean it's not there.
October 3rd, 2007 at 10:43 pm
That is so sweet the way they were looking for a toy for the toddler and trying to find the right one for her. I have known several autistic children and could never see them as being unsocial or having no emotions.
October 3rd, 2007 at 11:02 pm
There’s something very profound here, but it’s very late and my brain is not functioning properly after the last four days… But I will be back tomorrow to see if I can successfully articulate my thoughts.
I love visiting here, just so you know. You write so compellingly, and your family is so clearly full of love…
Hugs–
October 3rd, 2007 at 11:23 pm
How lovely! It’s amazing how kids can be so beautiful – when you least expect it. I’m always surprised at how beautiful my ‘loud, rough and tumble’ son is when he is with his baby cousin.
October 4th, 2007 at 12:42 am
Your last paragraph says it all.
October 4th, 2007 at 4:55 am
When we first got a diagnosis I read alot about parents with kids that had autism and alot of those said “They have no empathy or emotions.” My doctor asked when I was having him tested if he smiled or laughed.
I was honestly scared at first that my happy boy that laughed, teased, snuggled and gave kisses was going to change in to what these people were saying an autistic person should be. I’m so glad they had no idea what they were talking about.
October 4th, 2007 at 5:21 am
My little one is affectionate to those he’s made friends with. Loves to hug, kiss, laugh, tickle and snuggle. But strangers, including children.. he just ignores.
My eldest is my “don’t touch me” social butterfly. He likes to touch others (just don’t touch him), and adores little children, especially little girls. He also talks easily to adults.
So much for “typical ASD behaviour”
S.
October 4th, 2007 at 6:03 am
“No, dumbass! Oopsie! Sorry. I dun mean to hurt yur feelings.” I laughed (probably inappropriately) that he said that every time. Patrick loves babies. He especially likes to make faces at them and see if he can make them laugh (they always do).
October 4th, 2007 at 7:29 am
Marvelous, on many levels.
October 4th, 2007 at 10:46 am
What sweet boys… that must have been wonderful to watch.
October 4th, 2007 at 10:54 am
I agree. My son has always been more comfortable around much younger children. Jaysen also has so much empathy it has brought tears to my eyes. NRight now, however, we are in the midst of the good ol’ sibling rivalry. Yeah, that’s fun.
October 4th, 2007 at 10:55 am
I remember reading a quote one time that said something to the effect of “There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly” You’re right. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there! Great post
October 4th, 2007 at 11:16 am
I have yet to meet the souless indvidual with autism they would like to advertise. More likely, there is an over aboundance of emotion, too much information to process, as the rest of us would like.
October 4th, 2007 at 11:31 am
I wish I could get to visiting blogs more often. I am so far behind.
I love this I really do. I have always loved the way you have a knack for spelling and stating words the way they say them. They are just so cute and funny and “full of it” like my kids.
Wow your kids sound like my kids….cute,funny,caring,talkitive and loving. Not bad for kids who are empty shells, with a greif stricken mother, who clings to talk show hosts for support.j/k LOL.
October 4th, 2007 at 11:51 am
You got it, sister. I had secret terror when I was soon to deliver D’s little sister. I thought he would hurt her seriously or have horrible behavior problems. The interesting (to me) thing is that he has become so kind and gentle for having her in his life, and seems to genuinely adore babies. He is not as keen on kids his age, typically preferring what I believe to be the perceived stability/maturity of older kids and adults.
October 4th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
The dumbass part is just so descriptive. I often think this is what my wife is THINKING when I speak to people in public.
Demetrius is amazingly gentle with the little ones. He coos them and walks very slowly…I think it is not to scare them….totally cute.
As always Maddy, great post.
October 4th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
Rightly said.
October 4th, 2007 at 7:06 pm
Charlie likes to lie around and pad around in the wading pool at the YMCA, but he has yet to splash a baby or toddler—he seems to know he needs to steer clear. Whereas, the 12 year olds throwing around a ball elsewhere in the pool give him little thought, as he stands to the side watching.
October 4th, 2007 at 8:10 pm
Oh they are so sweet! How wonderful to offer toys and their service to the wee one. I am not sure my daughter would do the same. Then again, warm hearts are contageous, that is why they were so kind, because they experience your kindness.
October 4th, 2007 at 8:34 pm
I have never not loved a story you’ve told here. Never. Those kids of yours–amazing.
Like Mummy.
And her use of direct dialogue. Always so good.
October 4th, 2007 at 10:24 pm
Alas, I have the child about whom they wrote that “lack of empathy” definition. Your boys give me hope that things will be different someday.
October 5th, 2007 at 5:42 am
That is such a sweet story. Very precious.
October 5th, 2007 at 9:18 am
i couldn’t agree more about the empathy thing. when i was pregnant i can remember saying ‘i could cope with any condition that the baby turns out to have , but autism must be tough. i mean they don’t hug you or smile or laugh or anything’. this was based on what i had read or heard. luckily it was just so much rubbish. my son is incredibly sensitive, just like your boys, and really gentle with all little creatures and babies. love what you write!
October 5th, 2007 at 9:16 pm
Hi it’s been a while and I wanted to stop by (and be a repeat visitor). What a lovely post. Your boys have such sweet souls, and I completely agree with your last paragraph, and how we need to listen better.
October 6th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
Got some catching up to do. Wonderful story. So much for lack of empathy being one of the hallmarks of autism. What particularly struck me was not only the boys’ spontaneous and generous interaction with the toddler but their own interaction with each other. “Dumbass”, followed by an apology followed by forgiveness. Wow! They’ve mastered the important social skills all right.
October 7th, 2007 at 6:20 pm
I don’t buy that autism is synonymous with lack of empathy or feeling either. My son is one of the most sensitive, empathetic kids I know and he’s extremely affectionate. Generalizations are evil things by any account.