Dairy free products

As always, it is just after I have announced my intention to teach “sex education” as and when needed, that the need arises.

They are in the midst of a debate.

“Don’t be stoopid! No-one has four penise.s!”
“Cows do! They do so!”
“That’s an udder. Anyways, cows are girls.”
“Milk is cow urine?”
“No.”
“What is chocolate milk being den?”
“It doesn’t come out of the cow with chocolate. They put that in after.”
“Cow milk is make you ill?”
“Sure some people,” she says in an off hand manner. I hover. Has the need passed? The laundry crisis needs my attention. I decide to pay no heed, as he hasn’t drunk milk for approximately 4 years.

“I am need!” he bellows at his usual 50 decibels. I pay heed at the sudden urgency and loudness of his demand.
“What do you need dear?”
“I am need a….a…..diah…a….ree….a….a” I don’t let him finish but whisk him away as only an astute mother can. After his experience in the “vomiting” department, I am swift and pre-emptive. There’s no time to mess about, so I whip off his pants and trousers to park him on the loo in the blink of an eye. I lean against the door jam self satisfied that once again I have saved the day and possibly a heap of laundry.
“Wot?”
“Pardon dear?”
“WOT?” he bellows since clearly I didn’t hear him properly the first time. Why do I keep making that same mistake I wonder?
“What to you mean “what’ dear?”
“Wot I am do here?”
“What you normally do there dear. Do you need your privacy or something?”
“No I am need a…. a….a…..diah…a….ree….a….a.”
“Yes I know that’s why I’ve brought you here, quickly, before it’s too late.”
“It is too late?”
“Is what too late dear?” Or do I mean ‘too late for what?’
“It is too late for a….a….. a….a…..diah…a….ree….a….a?”
“I hope not. I hope we’re just in time.”
“Dey are in dah bathroom?”
“Er….. are what in the bathroom?”
“Dah….er….. a….a…..diah…a….ree….a….a?”
“Any minute now I expect.” We pause. We wait. We wait some more. I have the distinct impression that I am waiting for something different to whatever he might be waiting for.
“What are you waiting for dear?” How can he wait at all?
“I am wait for dah a….a…..diah…a….ree….a….a.”
“Well maybe you’re alright after all?”
“No. Dah a….a…..diah…a….ree….a….a is not here.” I look at his expectant face although I am now uncertain what he is expecting?
“Is your tummy o.k.? Do you have an ache?”
“No.” I’m not sure which he means but he looks perfectly fine.
“Is it safe to get you dressed again do you think?”
“I dun know? Um… dah a….a…..diah…a….ree….a….a be come if I am dressed?”
“No we want the diarrhea to come whilst you’re sitting there.”
“I don’t want diarrhea!” he shrieks.
“No, I know it’s not nice is it?” He looks at me blankly even though strictly speaking is was more of a rhetorical question. I watch him blink, open mouthed, deep in thought.
“NO! Not diarrhea! I did not be say dat. I said…..er….dah book dat you be write fings in.” A book? A book that you write in? What is he on about now for goodness sake?
“I need dah book…….write every day…..you are start wiv ‘dear.’”
“Dear Diary?”
“Yes.”
“You want a diary to write in?”
“Yes.”

Clearly I have a potential ‘man of letters’ on my hands, or maybe just on my mind?

I wonder what possible insight I might glean from sneaking a peek in a seven year old’s personal diary, but of course only bad mothers do that?


Posted on November 26th, 2007.
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41 Comments

  1. Casdok:
    November 27th, 2007 at 2:29 am

    Tut tut!!

  2. Elissa:
    November 27th, 2007 at 2:37 am

    It’s always when they’re looking at the animals ‘bits’ that the questions start!
    In our house at the moment we’re trying to explain why we don’t show everyone our ‘private parts’. Difficult when he prefers to be naked most of the time!!!

  3. Veronica:
    November 27th, 2007 at 3:11 am

    I love it!

  4. jac:
    November 27th, 2007 at 3:27 am

    Die… diary… makes perfect sense. I am impressed!

  5. furiousball:
    November 27th, 2007 at 5:13 am

    i couldn’t imagine having four, i mean one makes me do enough stupid stuff already

  6. Vi:
    November 27th, 2007 at 5:48 am

    I’ve read a couple of bits my 9yo does. It’s quite amazing what goes through there heads.

  7. Franki:
    November 27th, 2007 at 6:14 am

    Oh dear. That is the sweetest, funniest, saddest story ever. Thanks for sharing!

  8. dgibbs:
    November 27th, 2007 at 6:37 am

    Haha! Here I thought he was going to be talking about Dairy :D

  9. Leanne:
    November 27th, 2007 at 6:38 am

    What a darling! I can’t believe you solved it. I never would have. His printing and spelling are quite good.

  10. Sue:
    November 27th, 2007 at 6:47 am

    Oh, he’s gorgeous

  11. Kathi Johansen:
    November 27th, 2007 at 7:18 am

    This reminds me of the old Abbott and Costello act, “Who’s On First?” The dialogue you have with your kids is priceless.

  12. mommy~dearest:
    November 27th, 2007 at 8:03 am

    Heehee! Hysterical! And just between you and me…I would totally sneak peeks if Jaysen had a diary! Not peeking if it’s diarrhea though.

  13. Karen:
    November 27th, 2007 at 8:22 am

    The story is hilarious.

    The diary entry takes my breath away.

    You have great kids.

  14. Random Moments:
    November 27th, 2007 at 8:22 am

    Oh my goodness, how cute!! Tee hee. I bet you were so tickled.

  15. Lisa:
    November 27th, 2007 at 8:24 am

    BWAHAHA!

    Rosie tries to out run vomiting or diarrhea. No matter how many times I tell her it just can’t be done. Sigh.

    That he wants a diary to write his thoughts in is awesome. :o)

  16. Jen P:
    November 27th, 2007 at 9:30 am

    I love reading your blog! You have the funniest daily activities in your life that we can all relate to in some way!
    I can just imagine the look on his face in trying to figure out why in the world he was sitting on the throne! HAHAHA

  17. March Day:
    November 27th, 2007 at 10:19 am

    I just about spit out my coffee all over my keyboard reading this! Hilarious.

  18. Marla:
    November 27th, 2007 at 10:49 am

    That diary page is intense. Blunt and to the point just like my daughter’s diary.

  19. Jazz:
    November 27th, 2007 at 11:04 am

    I like that diary entry. I wish mine were so straight to the point.

  20. ange:
    November 27th, 2007 at 12:45 pm

    Ha!

    First, if you really want to confuse them, let them watch Barnyard. There are “boy cows,” which I just think is so wrong!

    Second, I often feel/sound like Jessie in Toy Story (is it no. 2?) where she tries to guess what the horse is ’saying.’ Someone needs to record me someday when I try to interpret Moosie. Today I swear he was saying ‘big bus’ but it was ‘bank first.’ It’s all about the context, isn’t it???

  21. Crystal Jigsaw:
    November 27th, 2007 at 1:15 pm

    It always comes good in the end! Great writing, encourage him to keep going.

    Crystal xx

  22. joker the lurcher:
    November 27th, 2007 at 1:28 pm

    my son tried a diary for a little while. the first entry was about how the frogs had started to trust him…

  23. Cottontales:
    November 27th, 2007 at 2:53 pm

    I am on the floor laughing!!!

  24. Suzy:
    November 27th, 2007 at 3:37 pm

    I just love him…

    Suzy

  25. flutter:
    November 27th, 2007 at 6:15 pm

    He just cracks me up

  26. kristina:
    November 27th, 2007 at 6:39 pm

    Dare I say, too dear (sorry, love a pun more than I ought to.)

  27. Bonnie:
    November 27th, 2007 at 7:43 pm

    Oh teaching sex ed. to a highly visual child on the spectrum has its challenges… I don’t remember signing up for this!

  28. BetteJo:
    November 27th, 2007 at 8:02 pm

    That is too funny, you standing in the doorway waiting and him not knowing why he’s on the toilet to get what he wants! Laughed out loud at that one!

  29. WorksForMom:
    November 27th, 2007 at 8:48 pm

    Oh that was good. I think you have a genius on your hands my friend!

  30. Michelle at Scribbit:
    November 27th, 2007 at 9:19 pm

    So did you talk to her about the entry? I would be crazy with curiosity about how she came to write that.

  31. Cari:
    November 27th, 2007 at 9:35 pm

    Smile!

  32. misha_k:
    November 27th, 2007 at 9:36 pm

    Your son sounds so cute. I love that he wanted a diary.

  33. lAA and Family:
    November 27th, 2007 at 9:36 pm

    I’m still giggling! How funny!

  34. Frog's Mom:
    November 27th, 2007 at 10:24 pm

    I laughed so hard, I cried. I love how both of you hang in there and keep on until the mystery is solved. The love and respect you have for each other shines through.

  35. Stomper Girl:
    November 27th, 2007 at 11:39 pm

    But if he HAD had diarrhoea you would have been a complete champion.

    I just love the stuff kids write so much. “dear Diary I nevr die” is fantastic.

  36. Damselfly:
    November 28th, 2007 at 12:37 pm

    Love the cow conversation!

    Happy diary-ah-ing.

  37. Sara:
    November 28th, 2007 at 2:49 pm

    Oh my!! I would have had the same reaction as you I do expect. Oh my…awesome.

  38. melody is slurping life:
    November 28th, 2007 at 7:08 pm

    I am entertained beyond mere words. :) I can hear and picture this so well.

    The diary entry, love it.

  39. But Why?:
    November 28th, 2007 at 11:44 pm

    Superb. Just superb. But I do feel for your confused seven year old being whisked off to the loo with the expectation of finding a diary there… Wonderful.

  40. Melissa:
    November 29th, 2007 at 7:58 am

    Ah… The confusion of it all!! :) Isn’t that what parenting is all about? Never knowing what you’re doing??

  41. Niksmom:
    November 29th, 2007 at 11:49 am

    Cracking up here! From the beginning of the post I was sure he was wanting some D-A-I-R-Y! LOL Now I suppose he’ll decided to start writing whilst sitting on the “throne?” ;-)

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