Seven more
“MomNOS” from “MomNOS” has tagged has tagged me for a meme, in which I am instructed to:
1) Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2) Share 7 facts about yourself.
3) Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4) Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
1. I volunteer at the children’s school for their reading programme which means that I count how many books each child reads and give a presentation with positive feed back.
2. I am not very good at it even though I practice beforehand and have three different versions for small special needs children, slightly bigger special education children and typical bigger children.
3. I wear a tall ‘cat in the hat’ hat during the presentation in a feeble attempt to attract their attention, as well as red and black clothes for the same reason. I always come in still wearing my sunglasses to complain that the room is too dark. Eventually someone will tell me where I’m going wrong.
4. Because they’re learning cursive I wrote all their names on their chart in English Round Hand [calligraphy]. This means that Ian and Jan look very similar. None of them can read their own names now. This is just the kind of positive feedback that youthful persons most need. Although my performance is largely scripted, I was nervous at the beginning of the school year. The class had expanded from 21 to 32. When I arrived I noticed that they seemed so much larger, almost teens, so I checked, “are you the pupils from Form 4?” I looked over their discombobulated faces, all 31 on them, until I found the 32nd, who decided to help out, “STEW dense Mom! An it’s GREYED four.” We wasted a considerable amount of time disentangling the function of the eye and the optical nerve.
5. Last time I read them a poem, called ‘sick’ by Shel Stevenson. * I ordered them to listen because it was funny and would be very useful if they ever needed to bunk off school. No-one understood ‘bunk.’ The teacher gave me the evil eye. At the end, a wise and small American child advised me that it would be very unwise to pretend to be ill.
6. I agreed with him and told him to ignore stupid foreigners, thus demonstrating more political incorrectness. I accidentally patted him on the head in a friendly manner and then remembered that you’re not supposed to touch children if they’re not yours. The same kindly child did not report me for inappropriate physical contact, which he could both say and spell. Hence I can ‘do’ and ‘say’ politically incorrect very well.
7. I finished my presentation with an even funnier ditty called ‘One fine day.’ They all laughed a lot and very loudly. I now know that it is thoroughly inappropriate material for small American people. I could tell because I made print outs of both poems for the children to take home. The teacher suggested it might be better if the print outs remained in school.
Aren’t you so glad I don’t volunteer in your children’s class and corrupt them. This is one very good reason why I eschew parent participation schools, because there will be people like me there.
*Sick
Sick “I cannot go to school today,”
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more – that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue -
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke -
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my spine is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is -
what? What’s that? What’s that you say?
You say today is … Saturday?
G’bye, I’m going out to play!”
– Shel Silverstein
I apologise in advance to anyone who finds the following offensive. In my experience people with disabilities have the greatest sense of humour of us all lesser beings. If you doubt me, I would recommend that you listen in to the podcast [free] of the BBC ‘Ouch’ programme.
One fine day in the middle of the night
One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead men got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,
One was blind and the other couldn’t, see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout “hooray!”
A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don’t believe this story's true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!
Now that I am grown up, I appreciate that this is about as politically incorrect as anyone could muster.
Unlike “MomNOS”“>”Momnos,” I have decided to democratic in my tagging, as well as impartial because I am practicing being a good American, so I shall the tag the next 7 people who are silly enough to have left comments, because I am writing this in the future and tagging people in the past, because I’m also very good at time travel.
So the first foolish person “Roxan” at “kickshawcandies.” aka “something wicked comes this way.”
Then Kyra who is blogless – what a situation to be in! And no email on her profile! Can you imagine?
Then, “Joeymom” at “Joeyandymom”
So is that 3 or does that only count as two? Anyway, the next victim willing or otherwise is “The glasers” at “aut2bhomeincarolina.”
Then we have my favourite late night visitor, an owl if ever there was one, “Kristina” at “Autismvox” but that’s the price you pay for not being asleep at 17 minutes past one in the morning!
Then there is “Kelley” who also pootled along in the wee small hours of the morning, but she’s forgiven because she lives upsidedown in Australia at “Magnettobold.” no mean feat I can tell you.
“Casdok” over at “Mother of Shrek” bimbled along at some unearthly hour or the morning, although 2 a.m. here is 10 a.m. there, which is probably the ideal time to be awake on a Saturday morning, given the option, which I am not.
Lucky number six was “Akelemalu” over at “Everything and Nothing” who has a fun piece up right now, so don’t miss it. That’s my kind of humour.
Lastly we have “Vi” who is a big rudey, but what else can you expect from those Aussies. This particular brave Aussie has transplanted to the delightful city of Bath in England where so many of Jane Austen’s characters lived out their demure and sophisticated lives as all proper Brits should. Look out at “Are you local???” I dread to think what kind of mischief she’s getting up to, I can almost feel a touch of the vapours coming on.
November 25th, 2007 at 12:20 am
My kids love Shel Silverstein. I happen to love the poem, “Sick”. My kids would have also loved the second one. You can come entertain my kids any day.
My son thinks British accents are the coolest, so you wouldn’t even be corrected.
November 25th, 2007 at 2:50 am
Love your sick poem!
And thank you for the tag!!
November 25th, 2007 at 3:46 am
One Fine Day is one of my favourite poems. I will be most upset if it is deemed inappropriate when Amy is bigger.
You make me giggle so much, thankyou.
November 25th, 2007 at 5:10 am
Very entertaining. Sometimes political incorrectness is complete bollocks. Great poetry!
Crystal xx
November 25th, 2007 at 6:17 am
That was hilarious. I nearly knocked over my tea and Patrick had to come tell me to shush.
November 25th, 2007 at 6:18 am
I really want to see a picture of you in that hat!!!!!!! That would be awesome! That sounds like so much fun!
November 25th, 2007 at 6:27 am
is that why your blog is so dark this morning? oh yes, brilliant! much better
November 25th, 2007 at 7:21 am
Number 8! I’m safe! Woot!
I happen to think these two poems are hilarious. Shel Silverstein is definitely a favorite!
)
I applaud you for your bravery!
November 25th, 2007 at 7:30 am
I love Shel. To this day, I can’t read his poems without laughing.
November 25th, 2007 at 7:59 am
Hello. I was just enjoying some of the post in your blog. Believe me, not every red blooded american female watchs Oprah. Um, no. I only watched on Friday because Hannah Montana was on and my daughter wanted to watch and to be truthful, I didn’t even really watch, I did a little shopping on the web.
My son is four and suffers from autism. He is a beautiful little man that keeps me occupied except for those moments in the day when I steal away in my bedroom with my laptop to blog. My desktop is in the kitchen and it is in the perfect location for them, my three children, to ask me countless questions about mundane things or to ask me to fix x, y, or z for them. So hiding in my closet seems to be the best place right now.
Your blog is whitty and fun and light and I intend to read many many many more of your post. I have been the breastfeeding mom, the mom with the older child resting on my neck while tending to the younger child. Multitasking is my best friend. I can now juggle three activities at once when it comes to my kids. So I understand what you are saying totally. In the US, autism did not get the needed attention that it deserved until Oprah did a show on it. Tell me about it. Oprah highlights parents living inside the disorder and all of a sudden people perk up, their ears are open and they want to know what they can do.
I had people that I had been working with since my son’s diagnosis, you know the busy bodies that wanted to tell you how to resolve your child’s autism by beating the crap out of him, come up to me and say that they didn’t know that that was waht I was going through. that they had no clue that that was what everyday was like for my child. I had been standing, raging, screaming to the top of my lungs for over a year at that point about the disorder.
So when it comes to Oprah and american television period, it has its plusses and minuses. To me more minuses than anything. Now a days, unless its my day off during the week and its the soaps, I do not turn on our television. Life is so much easier that way and I spend more quality time with my kids that way.
But look at me jabbering like a monkey in a tree. I enjoy your blog, I intend to read it every chance that I get. I’m glad to find another autism mom out there that seems to be as fun as I think I am.
November 25th, 2007 at 9:59 am
Two wonderful poems. How about you come read to my class? Of one. Perhaps I’ll take to day off. Apparently, if I time things just right, I’ll be able to slip off while you’re still trying to be polite.
November 25th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Ah, you can come read in my kids’ classrooms anytime — better you than me!
November 25th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
I actually remember the Peggy Ann McKay poem. It’s a classic, even to someone like me who had the time of my life at boarding school!
November 25th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
Moi? Rude? NEVER!!!!!! Thanks for the tag, but I did this one not that long ago, I will however, as promise do the senses one probably tomorrow. I don’t get up to much mischief during the week! ;P
November 25th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
i think it would hug you if you came to my daughter’s school.
November 25th, 2007 at 4:30 pm
Americans tell jokes, and the Brits like funny songs and poems! I have a friend who loves puns- I tried to kill her once….In a long career of selling specialty steels, I know more jokes than a human being needs to! Oddly enough, I’m fond of Limericks, and can write one rather quickly on a given subject!
November 25th, 2007 at 4:57 pm
I totally forgot about the one fine day poem! My older brother taught it to me as a child. I’ll have to send him to your post!
November 25th, 2007 at 6:04 pm
I’m all about politically incorrect. Love the poem.
November 25th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
From a teachers perspective (in a past life) – we definitely need more mums like you!!! Toss the political correctness! LOL
xx
November 25th, 2007 at 6:08 pm
Hmm – never seen One Fine Day before, but I used to use Sick when I was teaching my middle school ESL students how to explain they weren’t feeling well. They didn’t always get it at first . . .
November 25th, 2007 at 6:34 pm
I love Shel Silverstein. My 9 year old loves his book, “Where the Sidewalk Ends.” I learned the One Fine day song at girls camp. I still love it and would have no problems teaching it to my boys!
Great post.
November 25th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
I just read your comment and can’t find your email address to send you my email address. I’m having some email issues but this one works: heaz@live.com
November 25th, 2007 at 8:17 pm
You sound very devoted and I loved your 7 random things – especially the poems and the Cat in the Hat! Take care. Kellan
November 25th, 2007 at 8:38 pm
Oh this was fun. I STILL love Shel Silverstein. He is brilliant I say!
November 25th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
As time goes on I am more and more in favour of things (including poems) that are not politically correct.
As long as they are not deliberately cruel or malicious!
November 26th, 2007 at 4:25 am
You dress up for your class appearances? The kids must love you. I’ve only ever heard verse one of one fine day in the middle of the night, it was great to get the rest of it.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:22 pm
I know the Shel Silverstein book of which you speak. “Where the Sidewalk Ends” sits on my bookshelf because I loved it when my third grade teacher read aloud from it in class and I still love it today, as do my children.