Seven more

 

“MomNOS” from “MomNOS” has tagged has tagged me for a meme, in which I am instructed to:

1) Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2) Share 7 facts about yourself.
3) Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4) Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I volunteer at the children’s school for their reading programme which means that I count how many books each child reads and give a presentation with positive feed back.

2. I am not very good at it even though I practice beforehand and have three different versions for small special needs children, slightly bigger special education children and typical bigger children.

3. I wear a tall ‘cat in the hat’ hat during the presentation in a feeble attempt to attract their attention, as well as red and black clothes for the same reason. I always come in still wearing my sunglasses to complain that the room is too dark. Eventually someone will tell me where I’m going wrong.

4. Because they’re learning cursive I wrote all their names on their chart in English Round Hand [calligraphy]. This means that Ian and Jan look very similar. None of them can read their own names now. This is just the kind of positive feedback that youthful persons most need. Although my performance is largely scripted, I was nervous at the beginning of the school year. The class had expanded from 21 to 32. When I arrived I noticed that they seemed so much larger, almost teens, so I checked, “are you the pupils from Form 4?” I looked over their discombobulated faces, all 31 on them, until I found the 32nd, who decided to help out, “STEW dense Mom! An it’s GREYED four.” We wasted a considerable amount of time disentangling the function of the eye and the optical nerve.

5. Last time I read them a poem, called ‘sick’ by Shel Stevenson. * I ordered them to listen because it was funny and would be very useful if they ever needed to bunk off school. No-one understood ‘bunk.’ The teacher gave me the evil eye. At the end, a wise and small American child advised me that it would be very unwise to pretend to be ill.

6. I agreed with him and told him to ignore stupid foreigners, thus demonstrating more political incorrectness. I accidentally patted him on the head in a friendly manner and then remembered that you’re not supposed to touch children if they’re not yours. The same kindly child did not report me for inappropriate physical contact, which he could both say and spell. Hence I can ‘do’ and ‘say’ politically incorrect very well.

7. I finished my presentation with an even funnier ditty called ‘One fine day.’ They all laughed a lot and very loudly. I now know that it is thoroughly inappropriate material for small American people. I could tell because I made print outs of both poems for the children to take home. The teacher suggested it might be better if the print outs remained in school.

Aren’t you so glad I don’t volunteer in your children’s class and corrupt them. This is one very good reason why I eschew parent participation schools, because there will be people like me there.

*Sick

Sick “I cannot go to school today,”
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more – that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue –
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke –
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my spine is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is –
what? What’s that? What’s that you say?
You say today is … Saturday?
G’bye, I’m going out to play!”

— Shel Silverstein

I apologise in advance to anyone who finds the following offensive. In my experience people with disabilities have the greatest sense of humour of us all lesser beings. If you doubt me, I would recommend that you listen in to the podcast [free] of the BBC ‘Ouch’ programme.

One fine day in the middle of the night

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead men got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,

One was blind and the other couldn’t, see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout “hooray!”

A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don’t believe this story's true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!

Now that I am grown up, I appreciate that this is about as politically incorrect as anyone could muster.

Unlike “MomNOS”“>”Momnos,” I have decided to democratic in my tagging, as well as impartial because I am practicing being a good American, so I shall the tag the next 7 people who are silly enough to have left comments, because I am writing this in the future and tagging people in the past, because I’m also very good at time travel.

So the first foolish person “Roxan” at “kickshawcandies.” aka “something wicked comes this way.”

Then Kyra who is blogless – what a situation to be in! And no email on her profile! Can you imagine?

Then, “Joeymom” at “Joeyandymom”

So is that 3 or does that only count as two? Anyway, the next victim willing or otherwise is “The glasers” at “aut2bhomeincarolina.”

Then we have my favourite late night visitor, an owl if ever there was one, “Kristina” at “Autismvox” but that’s the price you pay for not being asleep at 17 minutes past one in the morning!

Then there is “Kelley” who also pootled along in the wee small hours of the morning, but she’s forgiven because she lives upsidedown in Australia at “Magnettobold.” no mean feat I can tell you.

“Casdok”
over at “Mother of Shrek” bimbled along at some unearthly hour or the morning, although 2 a.m. here is 10 a.m. there, which is probably the ideal time to be awake on a Saturday morning, given the option, which I am not.

Lucky number six was “Akelemalu” over at “Everything and Nothing” who has a fun piece up right now, so don’t miss it. That’s my kind of humour.

Lastly we have “Vi” who is a big rudey, but what else can you expect from those Aussies. This particular brave Aussie has transplanted to the delightful city of Bath in England where so many of Jane Austen’s characters lived out their demure and sophisticated lives as all proper Brits should. Look out at “Are you local???” I dread to think what kind of mischief she’s getting up to, I can almost feel a touch of the vapours coming on.

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