Master Muffet
“Drinks stink! I wan water.†I am so pleased that my youngest child is able to demonstrate his new ability to express his displeasure in words, rather than having a hideous meltdown on the floor. The other five children at the table cover their ears and lean ever so slightly backwards in their chairs, the wave formation of ‘GOALLLLLL’ when you’re not attending a football match. This is the new goal, triple play dates on Friday afternoons. Lets work those social skills!
The new victims are fellow class mates but infinitely more verbal than the majority in my household. Although I am more than happy to moan about our spots on the spectrum, other people have entirely different, and yet similar spots to deal with. His big brother covers for him, “he’s beed even louder at home!†The pals examine him and appear to agree that this is true. He may be very loud at school, but that’s nothing by comparison with the comparative freedom of home, where ear plugs are ever ready and freely available.
There is a mass exodus from the table due to inadequate snack provision. The girls depart upstairs to leave me with four little boys.
“What’s your name again?†asks Master Muffet.
“Madeline.â€
“Yeah right. So did you know?â€
“Know what dear?â€
“You house is infested with Brown Recluses.â€
“?â€
I have no clue to what he eludes. We’re not particularly recluse and the ‘brown’ evades me completely. “Brown what dear?â€
“Brown Recluses. They’re everywhere.â€
“Really? Show me.â€
I follow him into the family room but he stops dead in his tracks. His body bars the way to whatever it is, whilst he regales me with certain pertinent facts which I appear to be in need of.
“Do you know?â€
“Do I know what dear?â€
“Brown Recluses can bite you in the jugular and then you will die.â€
“Really. That’s very interesting. I didn’t know that. Can you show me what you want to show me?â€
“Sure. Look. It’s here, under the magnets, don’t touch it though. He’ll bite you in the jugular and you’ll be dead in minutes.â€
I lift the magnets to see a small, light brown spider. “Ah, so a Brown Recluse is a spider.â€
“Yeah and they’re killers. If they bite you on the jugular, which is here on your neck, then you will die. My auntie has them in her house too. My auntie has Black Widow Spiders too and they are even more deadly.â€
He continues in this vein without pause for breath. My knowledge of spiders is limited, as I am currently still stuck on Pokemon, easing into Yu-gio. I back my way gently into the kitchen and the laptop so that I can check out Recluse Browns. Mr. Muffet is approximately three inches away from me and continues to talk. I am unable to detect whether he is breathing at the same time, but I assume that he must be, otherwise he would have keeled over long ago. Interestingly, he is very keen that my eyeballs and thus my attention, should be on his eye balls whilst he talks. He is a very small child but I find myself shrinking beneath his penetrating and unblinking gaze. Very soon I shall be backed into the tiniest corner, stuck in a display cabinet and secured in place with a pin through my abdomen, a very poor specimen.
I am unable to deflect him. I troll through my lexicon, to recall if or when your child ever starts to ‘go off’ on their favourite subject, it is permissible to set limits without necessarily damaging their psyche. At the same time, if this is a Brown Recluse and if it has the qualities that he describes, then I might need to abandon ship or at least take all the children off the premises.
The internet, the link to sanity, tells me that this is an urban myth, there are no Brown Recluse Spiders anywhere around here, or at least no colonies. The occasional one might turn up, traveling like a hitch hiker from another State, but they haven’t taken up residence. As soon as Mr. Muffet sees the website on the screen, he covers his ears to tell me that it is all lies. This tips me off that someone else has tried the same tactic. So often logic and facts are so much more calming that general platitudes, but not in this instance.
Now Mr. Muffet is agitated and anxious and this is my fault. I have no idea if it’s OCD but I do know unhappiness when I see it. It is a familiar well worn path and I know that I need to head him off at the path before something unpleasant occurs. I let the words fall from his mouth in an unending stream until the flow slows to a more tranquil pace. The eye contact has been missing for a few minutes, but now it returns.
I strike during the calm. “Tell you what, you can talk for another three minutes then it’s going to be my turn to talk about what I like.†He barely misses a beat as I set the timer on the counter, “er ….whadaya like…ta talk about?â€
I think. This is a child who is very nearly as disinterested in food as my own son. I would guess, without supporting evidence, that he is not a neophobe. My neophobe son eats 13 foods. If you eat more than 20 foods you are just a picky eater. I bet he eats 21 foods. I know that the 5 foods that he requested for snack time were unavailable. He had polished off all the purple and red Goldfish crackers, leaving the other colours untouched. No alternatives were
acceptable.
“I like to talk about ………brocolli.†He blinks a couple of times before a shiver courses through his body from hair follicle to toe nail. “I’m done!†He turns on he heel and leaves. Victory and defeat for both of us.
January 12th, 2008 at 12:13 am
brown recluses?
(liv passes out cold on floor)
January 12th, 2008 at 12:22 am
“The internet, the link to sanity”—
oh yes, too true. Calling on Arachne……..
January 12th, 2008 at 1:46 am
But what is sanity?!
January 12th, 2008 at 2:01 am
Sorry, I’m stuck on the food thing. Is it 20 distinct items or 20 types of “actual food” as opposed to junk like chocolate sauce on ice cream?
If I count things like different kinds of cookies, or chocolate and vanilla ice cream as two different kinds of food, I could probably get M to 20, but if we’re only talking food food then she’s not even close. But then again I already knew that. Sigh. At least she’s got some healthy foods among the 8 or 10 things she’s willing to eat…
January 12th, 2008 at 2:01 am
fantastic! yesterday we had a meeting with social services at my son’s school and the person from the school was describing a similar interaction with my son where she had said she was going to talk about books and went on at length, thus making her point.
me i just say “shut up now, you’re being boring” which works a treat. the social services lady looked a bit worried when i said that if the boy won’t get out of bed i spray him with a plant sprayer. parenting never was my strong point…
January 12th, 2008 at 3:58 am
Broccoli…well done Maddy.. you never cease to amaze me.. thankyou.
cheers kim
January 12th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Just spiders in general make my skin crawl. I try and handle J in a similar way when he’s going on about topics - and giving me information that might not necessarily be right. Have to admit I don’t always succeed at keeping my cool, especially when he’s so adamant about things.
January 12th, 2008 at 6:58 am
When my eldest goes on and on, luckily he has enough social/comprehension skills to head him off and redirect the conversation. If he flips, like he did Thurs b/c PBS lost volume for 5min… I’d rather have a never ending conversation about how to travel from A to B.
You are braver than I, having all those kids over.
S.
January 12th, 2008 at 7:31 am
i am continually pleased by how well you listen to the children, whether yours or others. how you allow them to instruct you on whatever it is that grabs them and how respectfully and gently you redirect them if there is a fixation that could lead to a meltdown. i know you remarked about how perceptive i am but, my dear, it takes one to know one.
January 12th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Well Done! And thank goodness for the internet. It has helped me discover that well, yes, we do indeed have scorpions, no that are not the killing kind and if they sting us, we need only take Benadryl. But that it may feel like a nail through the foot. Ah, the internet. Curse or savior?
January 12th, 2008 at 8:41 am
I am too thrilled that M can use words for her anger more so than melting down. We still have our moments though. We have those brown recluse spiders around here. At least that what I hear.
January 12th, 2008 at 9:43 am
my cat eats spiders for me. i bet they taste like chicken
January 12th, 2008 at 9:49 am
You are awesome.
And I think I’m going to get a timer for my almost 15 year old son, who, when he gets angry, says, “Can I finish?” and never gets to his point.
January 12th, 2008 at 10:38 am
brown recluse????? (kyra passed out on the floor alongside liv)
January 12th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Hey, Trixie got bitten by one last year. Knee as big as a baseball on a 16 month old baby. It was baaaad.
Wonder if he eats curds and whey?
January 12th, 2008 at 11:15 am
sanity….what is this myth you speak of?
man i freakin hate spiders..thats why i got married…so someone can ALWAYS get them for me/away from me/ kill it with a shoe
January 12th, 2008 at 11:23 am
haha, and victory shall be yours!
i love when kids get on a roll about something and they just ramble nonesense forever. You’re right though-it becomes a bit overwhelming but the passion, man. Love that!! lol.
Broccoli. What the heck can you say about broccoli?? haha!
20 foods huh? I never thought much about that…now I will ponder that today.
Have a great weekend!!
January 12th, 2008 at 11:38 am
I simply can’t relate spiders and food in the same sentence. I love food. Hate spiders.
Crystal xx
January 12th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Spiders…ugh. Broccoli…you crack me up! Poor little guy never stood a chance —no matter how long you let him natter on, eh?
January 12th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Broccoli…love it! I am constantly in awe of your cleverness.
January 12th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Broccoli! You are a genius!
btw - There are always brown recluses in the wood pile in our corner of the world. You won’t die from a recluse bite. They do some skin damage though. I have a scar on my knee to prove it.
January 12th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Stars, but I have missed your storytelling. WONDERFUL finish to it, especially–and I’m very glad there aren’t Brown Recluses in your area.
Huzzah to your courage for having the playdates.
Oh, and we’ve been easing into Yu-Gi-Oh over here, too. I miss the Pokemon passion.
January 12th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
brown recluses are in my state and they are nasty. So is broccoli.
January 12th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
This post made me smile.
January 12th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
hahaha you sure know how to clear a room
January 12th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I know what those things are. If I had to hear someone talk about them non stop I think I would have a mommy meltdown. yuk
Brown recluses are visitors in my state.
But broccoli is very welcome at our house.
Hope you’re doing well-
January 12th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
I’ll be waiting to see what happens when your kids get immersed in a Yu-Gi-Oh obsession. My brothers are in the middle of one, so I know what it’s like.
January 12th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
I’ll be waiting to see what happens when your kids get immersed in a Yu-Gi-Oh obsession. My brothers are in the middle of one, so I know what it’s like.
January 12th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Glad the medical pics didn’t freak you out. I got a few emails from people saying that they didn’t love them!
Hallie
January 13th, 2008 at 12:15 am
You make me smile.
Sanity? I’m still seeking it.
January 13th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Broccoli! Brilliant!
I never know if I should let him talk because he had so little intentional speech before or if at some point I should head him off in some way. We’re doing more and more subject changing these days. You are such a good listener which really is a lost art these days.
January 13th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
What? I do that same shudder and run from the room when someone mentions broccoli, too!
January 14th, 2008 at 11:25 am
The ole “I Like to Talk about Brocolli Trick” works a lot less messier than The plague.
Brown Recluse will do some major damage… thank goodness they aren’t native to your area… we have some here but not too many.