Black holes and other conundrums
I worry about dying brain cells.
I am no longer able to remember how to spell ‘Tchaikovsky’ but find that ‘Schizophrenia’ is a doddle.
I have mislaid my encyclopedic knowledge of dinosaurs and my ability to match the correct face and name of Thomas the Tank Engine and his rabble. It’s a losing battle. Meanwhile I struggle with Pokemon powers, pronunciation and other evolutions. NPR drifts into my auditory processing system about “twins,” separated twins. I listen with my ears closed because the quips that I hear set off alarm bells:- their sense of loss and being incomplete.
My working knowledge of twins is limited. I have friends who are twins. I have have friends who have twins. I have friends who have autistic twins both in real life and on line. When I had children of my own I would attend baby showers, a largely American phenomenon. The first time expectant parents would announce their double delight, twins were on the way. All those without children would say ‘how cute.’ All those with children, would think, silently, ‘baptism of fire.’
I see no point in dwelling upon the past but at the same time I recall a period of years when I was always pregnant. The number of pregnancies is easy to count, but not good to share. It is enough that I have four perfect children now. Through all the fear, I can reflect upon one miscarriage in particular. The blood was a tip off at four months. It is the clue that shuts down your brain and heart because numbness is the only way to survive, especially if you have other children to thrive for. The telephone call was compassionate but at 17 weeks there was nothing to be done. We went through the same steps that we had been through before, the resignation and acceptance of the inevitable.
Once in the obstetrician’s office I removed my glasses so that I would be unable to focus upon the screen. Instead I focused upon what possible arrangements we could make for our other children whilst I visited the hospital, again? Overnight stay or ‘out-patients’? It was hard to resist the magnetic pull of the screen. My eyes were drawn to it’s darkness and displayed a black blob. It was not a picture that I wanted seared into my retina. My ears remained open, listening to the silence. We could not ignore the sudden familiar detection of a rhythmic heart beat, hidden, until it was chased down, cornered and came into view. A hidden twin! A perfect, fast moving little shrimp of grey fuzzy dots.
It’s not that I don’t ever think about such things, it’s more that I find it important to concentrate on the here and now of life, rather than the ‘what if?’ of years gone by.
The here and now, makes me wonder what percentage of his agitation, hyper-vigilance and anxiety is related to what he himself has lost, his twin? His reliance and dependence upon little talismen to help him through the day? The slew of stress. How much is autism, how much is being a little kid, how much is an absent presence?
March 6th, 2008 at 4:43 am
wow, those are some deep and perplexing things for you to ponder. understandable that the thought of twins does that to you.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:57 am
I was very touched by this post. (I felt I had to tell you that as I can’t actually think of anything sensible or sensitive to say about it.)
March 6th, 2008 at 5:03 am
I wonder this all the time except mine is; autism or little kid. I can only imagine the loss of a twin has deprived him of a very unique bond.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:25 am
*thinks recognizing the individual would be ahead of the pack of choices*
March 6th, 2008 at 6:34 am
Oh Maddy….what a beautiful post. You touched on a subject near and dear to my heart.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:05 am
Oh Maddy… ((Hugs)) It is sometimes so difficult to squelch the questions we do not have answers for.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:19 am
Beautiful post and heart wrenching! I cannot imagine what you’ve been through. All of my pregnancies have been uneventful, but to be around all those friends who have had to go through what you did was hard enough. I’m so glad that I stopped by for a visit.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:32 am
That was a very touching post and leaves alot to wonder about.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:26 am
wow Maddy, lots of questions there.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:27 am
So much for your heart, your beautiful caring, compassionate, empathetic, heart to ponder and bring forth in helping your son along the way.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Lifes questions. My sisters are twins so i know how connected they can be.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:00 am
I think there have been many books written on the effect of being the surviving twin, as many scientists seem to think it does affect the surviving child.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Ah, Maddy, this hits so close to the bone. You have had the courage to voice some of the thoughts and questions I could not when I wrote this post:
http://maternal-instincts.blogspot.com/2007/07/think-twice.html
I decided (well, sort of by not deciding, I suppose) that it was best for me not to delve too deeply.
Sending you warm thoughts today. xo
March 6th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Ditto what Stomper Girl said. So touching. And heartwrenching . . .
March 6th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Wow, what an emotional post. You always have the power to make me cry. I also prefer not to disclose ‘number of pregnancies’ and sometimes dwell on if in fact I cannot carry autistic daughters for some genetic reason (not that there’s any proof that they would have been autistic…just my mind driving me insane as per usual.)
Can I say again how wonderful a writer you are?!
March 6th, 2008 at 11:04 am
A wonderful, heartbreaking post…I’ll be thinking about this all day…
March 6th, 2008 at 11:27 am
That’s a gift, that you would transform your heartbreak into something so beautiful that it moves and heals the hearts of others. It takees my breath away.
Thank you.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
my mum was an identical twin and my husband is convinced our son had a twin who didn’t make it. i have a friend who is the survivor of triplets – one died at birth and her sister 5 years ago. the connection with another is a theme through all of them. you have been through so much, maddy.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
You entry makes me think about when I miscarried but I don’t know if it was twins or not….I was about 10 weeks I hadn’t had an ultrasound to find out. It’s always so difficult, even now after several years.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Wow, I had no idea you’d been through a miscarriage and that one of your kids is the survivor twin. It’s amazing how, no matter how well you come to terms with a miscarriage, it haunts you forever. My first experience with it was when my Mom miscarried on her fifth pregnancy, and I was 10 years old. I was devastated because I had made all those plans about my future baby brother (I was sure it would be a boy). Many years later my little sister had a miscarriage, and then it was my turn.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
This hits so close to home; you don’t even know. Y is supposed to be a twin. I miscarried him at the beginning of my second trimester. Instincts and my heart tells me her twin was a boy. I often think about him and what he would be like, especially today in light of the fact J needs a new evaluation and it’s been suggested that Y gets more. Would he be autistic; would he be neurotypical? What kind of relationship would Y have had with him? What kind of relationship would J have had with him? I understand the questions you’re asking so well.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:39 am
I’ve read that many, many people were twins early during a pregnancy and it is never discovered. There are so many mysteries of life. Thoughts and prayers
March 9th, 2008 at 3:53 am
How much indeed…
March 9th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Beautiful and heartbreaking.