Innocent until proven guilty, often
The cheeky and disrespectful attitude of some teenagers is the bane of many a parents' life, but when it occurs in the pre-teen population I am ill prepared.
When my daughter's play date comes to a merciful end, her Dad drives her pal home. My daughter accompanies them so as to spend a few more precious moments together. I busy myself with dinner preparations whilst the boys indulge in 30 minutes electronics time.
Although I'm in the kitchen, I can hear my youngest talk to himself in the family room. “My Mom dun like yur behaviour! My Mom dun like yur behaviour! My Mom dun like yur behaviour!” he chants to no-one in particular as he spins. At first I think he is correcting his toys, ordering them to shape up, tow the line and stop mucking about, but that doesn't appear to be the case.
“Where did you hear that dear?”
He spins distractedly, pays me no heed. I'm not sure if he's not heard me or is merely percolating.
I wait.
Eventually he comes up with a bellow:- “YOU!”
“Me. I never said any such thing.”
He doesn't argue but continues to spin.
“What makes you say that? I'm sure I've never said that before.”
“You bin dun say…….'be yourself, don copy yur friend.'”
To say that I am flabbergasted would be an understatement. He's right. Instead of telling my daughter that I don't like how her friend behaves, I have asked her not to copy her friend. Her friend's language, tone, attitude and approach to life, is not what I want for my own children. I want her to be herself, unique, not a clone nor a sheep.
I pause to reflect upon what this means, because it means so many things all at once.
I have been aware for a long time that their receptive language is miles ahead of their expressive language, or rather, that they understand far more than we think, even if they are not able to respond verbally to demonstrate their understanding.
It also means that like most children they hear and understand lots of things that sloppy parents say, the ubiquitous 'walls have ears.'
It indicates that he is able to accurately interpret a sophisticated social nuance, he's made a huge leap in understanding inferences. Inferences are notoriously difficult for autistic people to comprehend.
Inferences?
An example.
You and I walk towards a door together. Because you are polite, you open the door for me and step back. Because I am autistic I do not understand this gesture and step aside too. You say “after you,' to prompt me to step through the door. I step behind you because sometimes I can remember what 'after' means. You and I do a soft shoe shuffle, neither of us understands, so we probably trip over each other and land in a heap.
You doubt me? It happens almost every day, even now, or some variation on a theme. By behaving in this way, I am not being stupid or trying to be exceptionally annoying. I'm actually demonstrating advanced social skills by remaining with you as your companion. I was doing something far more interesting than walking, when you interrupted me. I stopped doing what I was doing and came with you, willingly even though it was obviously pointless and boring. I stayed with you rather that going through the door and leaving you behind. Remember, we were walking together afterall.
What it means for me personally, cynic that I am, is that I should never under estimate the possibilities. I am right to remain optimistic. Perish the thought!
March 4th, 2008 at 1:43 am
I wish I had paid more attention to my psycholinguistics lectures at university. Language acquisition is fascinating – not just words and grammar but also context.
March 4th, 2008 at 2:37 am
Oh, Maddy, reading this post made my eyes prickle with tears–both joyous & poignant.
Your love and understanding of your boys shines through.
March 4th, 2008 at 3:40 am
Kids never cease to amaze me!!
Great progress!
March 4th, 2008 at 5:23 am
Well, I for one, dun like her behaviour, neever!
March 4th, 2008 at 5:28 am
the point was definitely not lost on me. that is HUGE in so many ways. hip hip hooray!!
March 4th, 2008 at 5:42 am
This post makes so much sense. You need to give him credit for understanding so much more than he can show you.
March 4th, 2008 at 6:39 am
Oh wow, oh yay, I’m almost overwhelmed by that exchange. Never under estimate the possiblities, indeed.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:14 am
Yes, my friend, you are so right to remain optimistic. And your children are right to constantly remind you, too!
I find that in spite of his behaviors, Nik does indeed understand far, far more than people give him credit for — myself included on many occasions, I am ashamed to confess.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:40 am
Wow. Receptive language sometimes does leap far ahead. Amazing. I am trying so hard to remember that with my own. It is difficult since one is non-verbal. But I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt!
March 4th, 2008 at 8:09 am
Kids are amazing aren’t they? Their perception is always surprising
March 4th, 2008 at 10:17 am
It’s funny too how what you said – don’t copy your friend – put a softer spin on it. He figured out what you really meant! Too funny but amazing all the same!
March 4th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Really interesting. He mirrors ourselves when we can’t see or hear ourselves.
Sounds quite intelligent and intuitive to me.
Love you and your kids.
Suzy
March 4th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Yes, it takes a moment to digest the implications of what he said–which is really the tip of the iceberg. What it *took* for him to say what he said…
I am fascinated by the number and extent of coordination of sub-skillsets that are required to produce what seems on the surface to be a simple act. I think that is what has fascinated me about people who are autistic: in manifesting a ‘surface’ that isn’t in agreement with the consensus, they force the consensus to examine what makes up the consensus ‘surface’. It has been enriching to me.
You must be filled with joy. It’s amazing to see such a leap.
March 4th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
It’s amazing to be privy to our children’s complex thought processes. Again, I think one of the ‘gifts’ of this journey is to never take anything for granted, and to realize just how powerful the ‘small’ things are, or rather how unsmall these things are.
March 4th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
What a wonderful post.
I wonder if he shared that thought with the guest?
March 4th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
I find it fascinating that he heard what you meant as well as what you said.
Smart kid.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Oh yes, lots going in the pot, but no soup to be had. Every once in a while I get a little taste of what is going on in that big brain. I relish every bite!
March 4th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Language development is quite an amazing process to witness. Sounds like he is reaching some big milestones!
March 4th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
That’s actually an astonishing moment of analysis–of opening up a phrase. Wow!
March 4th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Wow! That is amazingly insightful of him.
I love moments like those, when one of our favorite people proves they understand so much more of the world than we give them credit for. It is uplifting and exciting!
Thank you for sharing with us.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:39 am
It always amazes me what our kids pick up from what we say and our actions. Too many times I seem to forget how insightful J is. I like how insightful your guy was there.
March 5th, 2008 at 7:38 am
That is awesome!!! A very exciting advance.
March 5th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Very exciting. Wonder what new surprises and leaps of thought are in store…
March 5th, 2008 at 11:12 am
That is huge and, of course, you remain optimistic.
I had to LOL at the door analogy…been there.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
That is great that he is perceptive – but is there any way to stop him repeating that stuff in front of your daughter’s horrible friend? or would it save you some trouble if he did?!
March 8th, 2008 at 9:57 am
I saw this post mentioned at Slurping Life..
What a wonderful view -but in a more layered way! WOW!
LOvE the post!
March 8th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Wow, he is very intuitive! Thanks for your explanation and helping us understand the thought patterns of autistic children.