The Explosive Child
I read and scribble in the margin of the “The Explosive Child.” Ordinarily written dialogue is helpful, but I find it hard to believe that any parent would speak to their child in such a manner. They all seem to get far too cross too soon. Either the average parent has very high expectations of their children, or maybe I have very low expectations of mine? Since I am generally in the minority, I conclude that the latter must be correct.
I am very much aware of the dual plank that parents need to tread: expect the most from your child and they will try and live up to your expectations, versus do not set unrealistic goals for your children or set the bar to high so that they do not experience continued failure. This particular plank beats me from both ends all too frequently.
What are often dual standards quickly become quadruple standards if you have a typical child in the mix, even if I ignore other family dynamics.
One simple example is as follows:- a parent calls from the kitchen to their child 'turn off your game, wash your hands and come to the table for dinner.' It's an approximation not a quote. The child, for whatever reason[s], does not comply, an argument ensues and all is lost. It's a very ordinary every day example of a situation that many parents experience often, but not me.
First of all this is a three step sequence, the parent asks the child to do three different things in succession, and we're still working on two step sequences. The request is made verbally, their are no visual cues such as a schedule board, PECS or cards, to support the requests. Secondly, the parent speaks to the child from another room. Although I do this too, I know it doesn't work. Thirdly, anything to do with the termination of electronics time, has a whole set of extra rules that must be applied sympathetically by the parent, or rather by me. Fourthly, washing hands is a 13 step sequence in and of itself! Fifthly, as with many families, the offer of food is not a positive incentive but an aggressive aversive and must be handled with due sensitivity.
A sensible person will ask 'well why are you reading it then dimwit!' or 'have you changed their diagnosis without telling me?' Well I'm reading it because it was recommended by someone I trust, and although their labels remain the same, there is such a huge overlap with other labels that it never hurts to widen the net and pick up a few tips from elsewhere. Does this mean that the book is useless? On the contrary I know I still have a great deal to learn. I am sure that this recommendation to me will prove useful in many respects. However, it does make me realize how far we are off the beaten track.
Maybe we need to take up hiking?
Perish the thought!
April 30th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Hiking and camping where who needs to wash hands…….
May 1st, 2008 at 1:23 am
Following purely verbal cues has always been particularly difficult for M. Calling from the kitchen to the couch (open space, clear line of sight, not far at all) would never work. I’d have to stop what I was doing, walk over to the couch, squat down in front of her, get eye contact, make my request, and then hope for an answer.
Yesterday, I was lying on the couch (yes, still with the flu) and called her to come over. She did. I handed her a rag, asked her to please go to the bathroom, wet it, wring it out so that it didn’t drip and then bring it back to me. Damned if she didn’t do it. I nearly cried. She’s actually starting to process multi-step requests. I never thought I’d see it.
May 1st, 2008 at 4:22 am
I’m in the middle of reading the same book! I haven’t gotten to the part that explains how to deal with the explosions though, so it hasn’t been very helpful yet.
May 1st, 2008 at 4:45 am
Having a child that was so verbal when he finally did begin to talk, It was difficult for me to understand that he’d need a visual cue in the morning. We’ve since made checklists (laminated to reuse with dry erase markers) and the difference is magic. We still struggle through routines, but at least NOW he sees what is expected of him. He has always needed forewarning when it comes to transitions. And? Sending him upstairs to do a three-step activity? Not happening…
I may check this book out. it sounds like something I need to read.
May 1st, 2008 at 5:11 am
It was magical when I discovered the five minute rule. I’m sure you already give a warning before a transition of activities, but it made a huge difference for my son. Back then, we didn’t have any information, we flew by the seat of our pants.
May 1st, 2008 at 5:46 am
We did/do a lot of ‘seat pants flying’ over here as well. I like to read books but I find I’m having to take them with a grain of salt. Often I sift through and take tips that I feel might apply to me. Patrick’s ok at two step directions, but often three is too much for him. I also need to squat down in front of him to get his attentino or else he’ll never follow instructions.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:25 am
oh, the magic of eye contact when giving direction. i was so diligent about it when they were younger. as teens i think they are wise to the trick and avert my gaze at all times now….unless THEY are making the request.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:38 am
I often find it interesting how many of the techniques and routines we use for our kids with Autism often tend to be beneficial for “typical” children as well! Perhaps parents with typicals should read some books on how to deal with children with Autism, they might find they help them!
I still contend sometimes that my kid hears me and knows what to do but plays the Autism card!! Hee hee…
May 1st, 2008 at 7:35 am
The multi-step directions issue is also there with auditory processing problems. It’s rare to give multi=step directions at home.
“Dinner’s almost ready!”
several seconds later:
“Time to wash your hands.”
a minute later:
“Get what you want to drink.”
another minute later:
“Time to save-and-quit.”
sound familiar?
May 1st, 2008 at 7:36 am
I read this one early on… not very helpful. FAR better, even though it says AS, not autism:
Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments, by Brenda Smith Myles… http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Difficult-Moments-Practical/dp/1931282706/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1209652481&sr=8-1
Brenda is a wonderful writer and source of knowledge; I have several of her books.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Yeah, sometimes I think that a little abc chart would come in handy for most parents. I think in terms of ‘behavior support plans’ and preferred reinforcers, and non verbal prompting. No, no siree, no time outs around here. No handwashing either.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:15 pm
I tagged you for a meme. I don’t remember if you’ve done this one or not.
May 1st, 2008 at 9:27 pm
I dunno. Books can’t always hold all the answers (shock to me!). Books aren’t living and breathing in the room when the kid out manipulates everyone.
Real life is too fluid for a self-help book.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:09 am
Remarkably, we do multi-step directions here pretty darn well, provided that nothing novel is being added into the mix. I attribute that to the fact that we are so inextricably bound to set routines of activity that they know the drill, without my verbal cue. We also use the 5 minute, followed by the 2 minute, warning. With computer time, we set the kitchen timer to go off when their time is up (and I try to correlate that with when the dinner bell will go off – sometimes with no luck at all; in such cases, dinner will wait). We also restrict all screen time to the weekends, so that this particular fight won’t occur on nights when we have other goals to accomplish. It just melts down to nuclear too quickly.
I would call the little one explosive. He is, indeed, terminally inflexible. I am always looking for ways to help with that, but I think developmentally we’re headed upwards. Once we finally get some impulse control, I think we might have a fighting chance. Of course, their father has little impulse control and is 45. . .