Truthful Tuesday – the sin of pride
“Actually I’m going out to Target today to grab a few things.”
“Grab? I hope you’re going to pay for them first. What an odd way to describe a shopping trip, very uncouth.”
“Mmm I hadn’t noticed that had slipped into usage around here.”
“So what are you planning to buy?”
“Presents, probably Transformers and a table cloth.”
“That’s hardly a trip, two things.”
“Believe me, two things will be a miracle, if we can manage it.”
“Ah you’re taking the boys with you then?”
“I am.”
“No-one of has a birthday for ages though?”
“It’s for a friend’s birthday party, which makes it even more challenging.”
“Really. Why?”
“Because the birthday boy likes the same stuff as my boys, namely Transformers, so I have to buy something that they like for some one else. That’s tough for any child.”
“Maybe.”
“Definitely.”
“You haven’t managed to instill generosity into them yet?”
“Actually, they’re naturally generous.”
“Doesn’t sound like it to me.”
“Well this is a special scenario. Buy your favourite thing and give it to someone else.”
“Hmm. I can’t think why you’re buying a tablecloth.”
“To cover the table.”
“Don’t be fascetious, you know what I mean.”
“Actually I don’t really. Why shouldn’t I buy another table cloth?”
“Another? Do you mean you already have one?”
“I have lots.”
“Lots? I hope you’re not using best linen for every day use?”
“I have one or two that are ‘best,’ but I have loads that are everyday kind.”
“How extraordinary. You do surprise me.”
“Why is that so surprising?”
“Well, with your lot…….I mean……..what’s the point?”
“The point is to slow the spillage. It’s like putting a huge towel on the table to minimize the fall out.”
“Ooo dear. How vile. What an unpleasant picture you paint.”
“Really? Isn’t that what most people use them for, to minimize the mess, catch the crumbs and spills.”
“Yes, but even so. It’s more important as a decorative feature, to dress the table, make it look attractive.”
“Good point. That’s a handy by-product.”
“Surely you don’t think that they appreciate a beautifully dressed table? Are they that sophisticated?”
“I have no idea, but I’m sure they appreciate not being dosed by a glass of water that spins out of control.”
“Oh dear. You know you forget!”
“I do?”
“Yes. I’ve seen them eating. In a restaurant…… that time.”
“Oh yes, I had forgotten. So?”
“Well I remember it as clear as day.”
“?”
“Mayhem, absolute mayhem. The whole thing was ghastly enough to give me indigestion.”
“Hmm, it can be a little overwhelming if you’re not used to it.”
“I wouldn’t care to get used to it.”
“That was over a year ago. We’ve been practicing since then, every weekend.”
“Practicing? How do you ‘practice’ going to a restaurant? I’ve never heard of such a thing.”
“It’s just as it sounds.”
“How grueling. It always reminds me of……..”
“What?”
“Oh you know……….”
“Those Chimpanzees and the tea party?”
“No, no, no…..er let me see……stop teasing me I can’t think straight.”
“Clowns throwing cream pies?”
“Stop it! No…..er. I know! The Mad Hatter’s Tea party?”
“?”
“You know, everyone constantly on the move and someone falls asleep in the middle of the table.”
“Ah, yes he was emotionally exhausted after trying to eat those fries with the little black flecks on them.”
“Don’t remind me. I’ve never heard a child scream so loudly. So embarrassing. Everyone looking at us as if we’d been sticking pins in him.”
“Were they?”
“Were they what?”
“Were they looking at us?”
“Don’t you remember?”
“Not really. I was to busy trying to persuade him to get out from under the table.”
“Oh dear yes. I’ve never experienced anything like it. What possessed you to choose such a noisy restaurant?”
“Easier to blend in.”
“What? Oh I see what you mean. I just kept quiet.”
“You! Quiet?”
“Yes.”
“Actually you were quite quiet if I remember correctly. Why was that?”
“You know, the truth is, you were so busy with them all and I just wanted to help but I had no idea what to do? I suppose I just don’t know them well enough but it made me feel so helpless and useless. I just wanted to ease the situation, calm the chaos but………”
“Oh I’m so sorry. I didn’t really notice at the time.”
“You know me. I’m happy to roll my sleeves up and muck in with the rest of you, but I found I was just out of my depth. I’ve never been in that situation before when everyone is looking at you, mouths open, tut tutting……..it was horrible……….it made me feel quiet tearful and I knew that wouldn’t help anyone.”
“Don’t worry. It really doesn’t bother me much any more.”
“Really?”
“Really. People can think what they think. I can’t make anyone think differently from how they do. We’ll just keep practicing regardless.”
“Really? Do you really mean that?”
“Yes I do. Actually I’ll tell you a secret. A confession if you will. Four years ago it was torture, a marathon but only, or rather partly, because I let myself get upset. I wanted them to be quiet, or quietish, just for an hour whilst we were there. Talk about deluded.”
“Really?”
“Yes. You see by my forties I was already set in my public persona. How to behave. I was just too self conscious, or embarrassed if you will. I was o.k. doing what I do in private without anyone looking, but in public I was too embarrassed to do the things that worked, because I knew they’d look odd, or rather even more odd. Too much of a dent to my dignity.”
“Such as?”
“Well when he dives under the table you can’t use the ordinary kinds of discipline that people expect, because they simply don’t work. I basically didn’t want to get under the table with him, calm him down, perhaps use the Incredible Five Point Scale, practice breathing, perhaps a bit of shoulder massage, all the stuff I’m quite happy to do at home.”
“Blimey.”
“I was making the situation worse. The children expected me to behave in a certain way. I was, and still am, their scaffolding, and in public I just bailed on them. It’s no wonder it was all so dreadful, but the ‘dreadful’ was really all in my own head.”
“Hmm.”
“I basically caved to public opinion. I allowed a bunch of strangers to dictate my own behaviour. I’d be angry that people thought they were just spoilt and badly behaved. It took me a while to realize what I was doing and why I was doing it.”
“Hmm. What then?”
“I just decided to do in public what I was doing at home, the magic of consistency. It wasn’t an over-night turn around, but gradually I found we were all moving in the right direction.”
“Geez it takes such a long time.”
“Yes but they say that ‘pride comes before a fall.’ I’d fallen into a huge pit, entirely of my own making.”
“Tough.”
“By the by.”
“What?”
“I don’t think anyone really notices if you dive under the table. Most people are too busy with their own business anyway. With hindsight, I think I must have had a massive ego to think that anyone would have been the least bit interested.”
“Do you know…….now I come to think of it…..apart from that one time with you………I can’t remember when I last saw someone under a table in a restaurant, if ever?”
“Well there you go then!”
Stumble it!
January 29th, 2008 at 1:29 am
Oh I can relate to a lot of that, from the toy shopping to the tablecloth, to the ‘all hell breaks loose in a restaurant. You’ve reminded me to go shopping for some kids birthday toys today (without the boys, phew!). My boys now behave in restaurants, unless they are with some friends, then it’s absolute mayhem!
January 29th, 2008 at 2:02 am
Hi Maddy,
Quite a lengthy post that you have. I must admit I strained my eyes just reading them. And its all a case of a little boy diving under the table in a public restaurant. Well, that’s really an embarassing experience. Those are hazards of your work. I’m glad you could still hang on with that kind of pressure at your work. God bless you more for that. Thanks for the wonderful post.
January 29th, 2008 at 2:34 am
“I basically caved to public opinion…”
… yep, done that before, and finally decided to do the ‘at home, in public” thing too… takes us a while to learn these things…
xx
January 29th, 2008 at 3:00 am
I’m a bit slow on the uptake, but these conversations are imaginary ones, with your alter ego, right? You don’t actually have friends or relatives who say these things, do you? Talking about “with your lot” and all that.
January 29th, 2008 at 3:11 am
Very eye opening post into my own behavior with my son in public. My couragous daughters have NEVER bailed on him in public, but I know on some occasions I have.
January 29th, 2008 at 3:35 am
Unfortunately it doesn’t make sense to our kids why we act differently in public.
I think a Toddler has cured me of any dignity I might have had. That and the fact that she likes to pop my boobs out of my top in public.
January 29th, 2008 at 4:54 am
Living in a small town, there are several times when I’ve felt like diving under the table.
January 29th, 2008 at 6:13 am
This just makes me smile a warm fuzzy smile. Been there, doing that. Practice, practice, practice…
January 29th, 2008 at 6:28 am
“The children expected me to behave in a certain way. I was, and still am, their scaffolding, and in public I just bailed on them.” This has to be the most achingly poignant phrase, yet “uttered” with such nonchalance. I wonder how often do our children feel taht way about others (such as teachers) who do the same.
It is such a blessing when we are able to let go of the ego and worry over what other think. You do it very admirably, Maddy.
January 29th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Ours are pretty good, but I keep forgetting in public that they are CHILDREN and not mini-adults. We are lucky enough to have started our practicing here in the village at the small family restaurant not a big city one. Which I think made the whole process a lot easier.
I too am learning - b/c it’s not perfect - that I don’t have to play nice with strangers.. if they don’t like it “too bad”…
Sheri
January 29th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Good grief. I’ve never realized that’s what *I* do with the kids in a restaurant — let others dictate how I respond to the children. I’d better get over that.
Maddy, you’re a gem!
January 29th, 2008 at 7:05 am
“I basically caved to public opinion. I allowed a bunch of strangers to dictate my own behaviour. I’d be angry that people thought they were just spoilt and badly behaved. It took me a while to realize what I was doing and why I was doing it.”
Um, thank you for this sentence (and all of the other ones in this post too). It just struck me that, in some ways, I still care too much about what others think.
-t
January 29th, 2008 at 7:50 am
I’m guilty of that too at times. Hey, we’re all human, but you do make good points.
January 29th, 2008 at 9:06 am
“Because the birthday boy likes the same stuff as my boys, namely Transformers, so I have to buy something that they like for some one else. That’s tough for any child.”
Hell, that would be tough on me. Really tough.
January 29th, 2008 at 9:36 am
maddy, i adore you.
that is all.
January 29th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
You are so wise. The transformer mania reigns at this house too and I have done exactly that, shopped for them for someone else with them in tow. Unpleasant. Done the restaurant thing too. I just let them stay under the table a while, it’s better than climbing on top of booths. And curious here has to ask what the incredible 5 steps (or something like that) are.
January 29th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
I have never been a table cloth girl. You and another friend are faithful to the concept. I may have to try it. I just feel like wiping is quicker then laundry …
What happens under the table, stays under the table
January 29th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
the great thing is you learned not to worry about public perception and you ARE practicing. lesser folks would give up and live sequestered.
January 29th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
A tablecloth - what an excellent idea! That’s exactly what I need. Don’t make that much mess of course, but I hadn’t thought of that before.
A super post.
January 29th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Funny that not only do I act differently in public, but I expect them to as well. If they can’t stay within 4 feet of the table at home, then how on earth are they going to do it at a restaurant with walls made up of fake rocks? The undersides of restaurant tables and the floors beneath them are stuff of nightmares for me, much like a public restroom. Following my boys under there is a sort of aversion therapy that I have unfortunately had to take on. Taking my youngest semi-NT child out in public in a furry puppy suit is heaven compared to eating out!
January 29th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
What a wise, wise woman you are.
January 29th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Maddy, please send your email address to me at josie2shoes@yahoo.com so that I can invite you to my new blog!
January 29th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Ah, the joys of public opinion. I regularly find myself in the tussles of people who think that children should be seen but not heard in a restaurant- how dare I disturb another person’s meal? And such folk just don’t understand that you cannot train a child at home to eat in a restaurant. Eating out is a completely different experience for a child than eating in- special needs or not. The variations on “Well, I paid good money for the meal, hat right have you to disturb it?” with my usual reply, “Why did you come into a family restaurant and not expect to find families there?”
January 30th, 2008 at 9:13 am
I love that you practice these things… I need to be better about that!!
January 30th, 2008 at 10:00 am
We do live mirror lives. It took a while, but finally I said “be damned” to what people think in public…no time or energy to apologize or explain to strangers…but then, I shouldn’t have to do so.
The black flecks on fries…or any food…yeah, Mac gets exhausted eating around those or picking them off, too.
BTW, I thought one tablecloth was to go on the table AND one on the floor for nasty spills. That was my method for years. Our years of practice have made better with the eating skills and restaurant behavior…keep at it.
January 30th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
I’ve been known to buy Adrian something even if I’m there for someone else just to avoid conflict. Hey, maybe I should get a table cloth?
February 1st, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Great post Maddy..
cheers kim