England is Evil [2]
After 22 days in England, I grow weary of the mantra. It’s difficult to determine which is more annoying, the ‘England is evil,’ ditty, muttered in glowering tones of impending doom, or the ‘when we are go America?’ question, in the alternative. It’s tempting to climb into the tumble drier and hide, but of course in England domestic appliances are designed for people of diminished stature. I’d be lucky if I could put one foot inside the dinky little machine, manufactured to dry one pair of underpants at a time. It’s a timely reminder of why all British people wear thongs, regardless of age or physique.
The national shortage of Goldfish crackers, is of course unforgivable. Curiously, of all the many evils of England, the medieval practice of afternoon teatime at four o’clock is a big hit all round. I fester over the issue as to whether Jammy Dodgers biscuits are available in America, as their little red hearts are so endearing? Sadly, I already know that our arteries shall not be clogged with clotted cream, as strangely it is a culinary extravaganza that hasn’t caught on in the States.
22 days has meant a seamless automatic translation of fries into ‘chips’ without so much as a stutter. Collectively we overcome many new obstacles and learn a great deal. We learn that it is indeed possible to play beach cricket if one employs a neon yellow tennis ball, which appears to be close enough to ‘golden’ to make it acceptable foreplay. We learn that shower grouting can liquefy, but hardens very nicely on warm bodies. I learn that rather than a Rolls Royce being a stately and magnificent tribute to the British car industry, it is really only ‘cute’ and ‘weeny.’ We learn that the current level of hand strength means that it not possible to remove a three pin plug from a wall socket, even if you use a knife. We celebrate tool usage and a narrow escape from an ER visit. Furthermore, British road users prefer foreigners to use the same side of the road as they do, the left. My sons are indifferent, although it’s far more ‘fun’ when we drive the American way by mistake.
We learn that small fingers can be persuaded to pick up shells from sandy beaches. We learn that mother’s who lie about Hermit crabs inhabiting English shells are likely to be stoned, one way or another. I’d better nip that habit in the bud before someone becomes really crabby.
Stumble it!
July 6th, 2008 at 12:28 am
your pictures are the business maddy!
and i do not wear a thong! i favour big pants. but then i can’t afford to use a tumble drier so they flap on my line, scaring the seagulls…
July 6th, 2008 at 2:12 am
Small tumble driers!? - You perhaps aren’t used to them over there, after all you are capable of drying your undies with all the hot air you produce when you talk!
“medieval practice of afternoon teatime at four o’clock is a big hit all round”
I don’t know any of my fellow Englishmen who subscribe to this medievial practice.
“Sadly, I already know that our arteries shall not be clogged with clotted cream, as strangely it is a culinary extravaganza that hasn’t caught on in the States.”
Ah, nutritional advice from the land of the Big Mac, Burger King, KFC, Waffle, etc.
I don’t know what country it was you visited, but it wasn’t England.
July 6th, 2008 at 2:31 am
PS. We didn’t have tea in medieval times.
July 6th, 2008 at 4:46 am
Oh gosh, did you really drive on the wrong side by accident? Well take heart, at least you have an excuse. I’ve driven on the wrong side of the road here in America, where I was born & raised and learned how to drive.
Quite a trip you had!!
July 6th, 2008 at 4:55 am
Maddy, my parents are proposing a family trip to Australia, where my brother lives. I will need much advice from you if we actually undertake such a long trip! I shudder just thinking about it
July 6th, 2008 at 5:08 am
So good to have you back and it sounds like a great trip! I missed your blog!
July 6th, 2008 at 6:09 am
Oh boy oh boy. Here you are! *curls up in the pages of the blog and takes a nap*
July 6th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Oh I’ve missed your snarkiness (that’s a total compliment, BTW) and hearing about the adventures of your family. I cringed at the use of tools; glad the ER trip was avoided!
July 6th, 2008 at 6:51 am
Ooo Gretchen! Oh dear oh dearie me! I do hope your brother is very accommodating! Mind you, you have to get through the air travel first - eek. Maybe you’d be better off on a slow boat to China - my brother lives there. When are you going? How long do you have to prepare? 18 years perhaps?
Love
Maddy
July 6th, 2008 at 7:58 am
English Bob,
I believe the person writing this blog is English based on the fact they identify themselves as an ex-pat from the UK. Don’t be so thin skinned.
July 6th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Glad to see you back blogging again-and that your trip back home was clearly a great success
BG PS Plugs, evil, evil, evil!!
July 6th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Bob–I agree with CS. Lighten up.
Maddy–so glad to have you back!
July 6th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Oh Maddy– I thought they had Burger King, McDonald’s and KFC in England… am I wrong?
July 6th, 2008 at 10:10 am
That is so funny. I thought I was going to pee my pants…..lol.
July 6th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Hee, that’s such a cute drawing!
are jammy dodgers those marshmallow-jelly cookies covered in chocolate? WE like those.
July 6th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Whoa. What a comment trail!
Nice to see you again!
July 6th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Oh, and I failed to mention that since you’ve been gone, I’ve somehow gotten addicted to both House and Mahjongg!!!
July 6th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Isn’t it the off season for House, well everything really? I used to love Mahjong as a youngster, haven’t played in years although I still have a set of tiles skulling about the place somewhere or other.
Love
Maddy
July 6th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
“We learn that the current level of hand strength means that it not possible to remove a three pin plug from a wall socket, even if you use a knife.”
Um, yikes! Glad to have you back.
July 6th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
nice to have you back Maddy!
July 6th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
you are a total jerk. stay in the states, you’ll fit in well there
July 6th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Would that be jerk chicken! A thoroughly splendid dish.
Cheers
July 6th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
‘a reminder of why all British people wear thongs, regardless of age or physique.’….
I thought that only of Germans… wait…no, I am wrong…Germans are known not for their thongs…but for their vast collection of Speedos…
; )
July 6th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
I am thinking of how to get that grout off……….
from great article on jerk chicken in the recent NY Times: “‘Making jerk is like spending time with a kid,’ said Oneil Reid, the chef and owner of the shiny Jamaican Dutchy food truck that parks daily on West 51st Street in Manhattan. ‘You have to watch it every second.’ His care pays off: the Dutchy’s jerk chicken with two sides is one of the best truck lunches in the city.”
And you’ve esp. got to watch it/them around those sockets if the fingers are still wet!
July 6th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Welcome back! Many a drunk American college student has been inside a Laundromat clothes dryer- doesn’t sound like you could do that in GB….
July 6th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Wow…you are brave! You not only braved a long family trip (I can barely handle a few days away from home) you also braved the wrath of your erstwhile countrymen by blogging about it!
Its lovely to have you blogging again!
July 6th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Just so glad you are back!
July 6th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Maddy, I laughed all the way through this one - from the thongs to the hermit crabs. Glad you all survived and came back in one piece. I missed reading you.
July 7th, 2008 at 9:49 am
The “thong comment” stuck with me through your whole post! Mental image: The Queen in a thong. *shudder*
July 8th, 2008 at 1:51 am
Fantastic Maddy. Your lot are just the best.
Thongs! Too funny, yet creating disturbing mental images while trying to digest my tea and toast.
Were those grumpy comments for real? Did you not just login with a false name to kid us into thinking anyone could be so thick yet thin skinned?
And if it ever gets too balmy for you wherever you are in England, come over to Belfast, my husband makes a great jerk chicken.
July 15th, 2008 at 6:54 am
Well I’m one of your erstwhile ex country (wo)men and I loved it. What a take on life, quirks, and coping with your lot! Dunno how you do it, but glad you blog it.
Brilliant writing. Great sense of humour. I’ll be back.