Manners maketh man, Manic Monday
Whilst Michael Savage storms into the spotlight to write off our children, the rest of us bimble along in the twilight shadows, busy and better than any microdot in his imagination.
I begin to type:-
'In principle, all children should be seen but not heard during dinner so that the other participants are to enjoy their meal. It's a very simple rule, one that I adhered to vigourously when I was but a wee young thing. It is essential that parents maintain scrupulously high expectations and standards, nay, tis their moral obligation to the rest of civilized society.' I pause in my piece for 'Ban Brats Daily' and gather the family for lunch.
In the 80 degree heat in the shade, we collect Al Fresco, as part of the ongoing ‘de-sensitization to outside’ campaign. These days, the underlying principle remains the same, behave in a kindly manner and hopefully you won't offend other people. For me, the unpublicized secret of good manners, is the skill to put other people at their ease.
We model 'sitting.' They approximate in return. We eat with knives and forks, their fingers work just as hard. Although there is a great deal of detritus over a three foot scatter radius, no-one purposefully throws food. During the meal we discuss a narrow range of subjects in depth, such as 'whether Chaotic cards are more desirable than Pokemon cards?'
During a pause my youngest shoots off like Billy the Whizz for no apparent reason, “hey! Where are you going Sunny Jim?” He stops, mid-fly, frozen, “er…..I'm done.”
“No you are not done! There's something you haven't done yet.” His whole body sags as he takes heavy steps back to his chair to take up the flop position, the nearest he's been to actually sitting in the last seven and a half minutes. “Please……..may I leaf dah table?”
“Beautifully said. Yes you may dear.” He scoots off on rewind back into the safety of the house.
My other son staggers off in his brother's wake, “hey! Where are you going Sunny Jim?” It takes a few more staggers before the message is processed. He turns, “wot?” he splutters, spewing crumbs. “Sit back down, you have a face full of food.” His hands fly to his face, whole hands on whole face, as they flutter for evidence.
“Wot?”
“I mean……….your mouth is still full of food dear!” He stands rigid, stretches his neck, head back and gulps. A little shiver engulfs him before he opens his maw wider than a lion to demonstrate emptiness. “Very good dear, now come and sit down, you've still forgotten something.”
He returns to the table to perch on the very rim of the chair. He opens his mouth to speak, notices a discarded Ritz cracker and stuffs it in without thought, “pls…..ma…lif..table?” he sprays. He droops back into the chair, resigned to full munching, without a further word.
“Ooo, where's your Dad gone?” I say to no-one in particular. This is just as well since half my potential audience is hard of hearing and the other half finds it hard to hear. I scan the garden. Not a trace.
“Pleaz……may I lif dah table now?”
“Yes dear, well done indeed.”
Nonna's chair scrapes back as she heads off to dead head a rose or two. I sit at the table for six with the debris, in silence, apart from the sickly globuling sound of the fountain.
I swivel to see my son as he hovers around the strawberry pot and the algae covered fountain in the blistering heat. I watch his fingers travel to the one semi ripe bauble. He makes a valiant attempt at a pincher grip but it's more like a strawberry daiquiri. Little pick pocket!
I say nothing, as he hates strawberries.
“Hey mom!”
“Yes dear?”
“Look………what I…… found.”
“Yes……first this year.”
Same every year, same spot, same fruit, same familiarity although he never seemed to notice them before.
“Dya wannit?”
“Who me?”
“Yup!” he reaches over and uncurls his fingers from his palm. I take the red splat and pop it in my mouth.
“Delicious!”
July 28th, 2008 at 3:04 am
Lunch sounds great… especially with a strawberry for dessert!
July 28th, 2008 at 4:17 am
Such nice manners!
July 28th, 2008 at 4:42 am
have i already shared this quote with you? written by a mom in a wonderful story submitted to autism speaks a yr or so ago .. “we must pray for miracles, work like crazy for miracles, expect and demand miracles, and for goodness sake, we must see them for what they are when they happen.”
sometimes a miracle is as small (and as ENORMOUS) as a shared strawberry. victories come in all forms .. sometimes they show up as small, red fruit, no less delicious (perhaps more so?) for a little smash by fumbling fingers.
xo
July 28th, 2008 at 5:20 am
My goodness, what good manners! Mine still pop up and are gone as soon as they are “finished.” For Joey, the plate is now empty (how cool is that?) For Andy, that is almost as soon as his bottom touches teh seat and he can say “yuckyuckyucky!”
July 28th, 2008 at 5:32 am
Sounds like you’ve got your kids well trained! I’ll have to take lessons from you . . . That strawberry sounds like a great final touch!
July 28th, 2008 at 5:33 am
i find the table manners training of my children is complicated by those of my husband.
July 28th, 2008 at 5:47 am
Aw, I remember bringing my mom the first dandelion I found every spring. I think maybe she would have preferred a strawberry…
July 28th, 2008 at 6:13 am
I find table manners to be important. We’ve been pushing them a long time. Like all children they forget but once reminded usually as to leave, and say pls/thx. We’re currently working on independant “go wash your hands” after meals, for the little one. I still have to stand in the bathroom doorway, but he follows the strip independantly now.
Savage, and others, has a point about behaviour, but I have a low tolerance for meltdowns. And in today’s world where gas is expensive and money harder to find for some…. I appreciate that when they find extra they don’t wish to sit in a restaurant, movie theatre etc and listen to it, NT or ASD or Domestic fight or…. B/c neither do I.
IMO, autism may be the reason, but it’s not an excuse…. and they will both learn socially correct behaviour, even if it drives us all batty first. I don’t mean to stop the little one’s “flapping” b/c they don’t bother anyone, but the temper tantrums, which do.
I guess the “final straw” came when one of the IBI T’s at a seminar didn’t think anything was wrong when her teenage child stole ice out of someone’s drink in a restaurant. They paid for a new one… but thought those people should understand….
Teenage child, ABA/IBI Therapist…. my children at 8 (NVLD) and 6 (severe, non-verbal PDD) wouldn’t even dream of doing it.
July 28th, 2008 at 6:46 am
Mild mannered minions make Mom’s Monday.
Joe
July 28th, 2008 at 6:49 am
I give you credit for even attempting to eat together, let alone manners! Not happenin’ in our house!
Isn’t lovely when they discover something that has been around for years? In our home, Casey suddenly realized we have a 15 year old cat! Amazing!
July 28th, 2008 at 7:03 am
my kids’ manners aren’t perfect, but neither is life
July 28th, 2008 at 7:08 am
Better than any microdot in his imagination. Well said!
July 28th, 2008 at 7:34 am
Yesterday we went paintballing. Our Asbergers boy went, too. He of the oddly stiff carriage, the strange running gait, the inability to take advantage of cover. At the end of our long day in the heat and the sun, there was one last game to play. He said, “Let’s go home, Dad. I’m tired of getting shot in the head.” With that he bent over and shook his head and two unbroken paintballs fell out of his hair – that thick, curly shock of much too long hair that graces the top of his lovely head. “I love you to death, Zachary, but you MUST learn to duck.”
July 28th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Ooooh, I got goosebumps when you ate the squished offering. What a wonderful (and memorable) moment.
When hubby was home last time, he taught Patrick to clear his plate from the table. Strangely enough, I can tell him many many times to do something else, like ask to be excused, but he has yet to forget to clear his dishes.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:30 am
This is so lovely for so very many reasons! One might say it was your “berry best” post!
July 28th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
my grandmother always drilled this into our heads (or beat us, one of the two) “meat is done, people are finished”
Hooray for the strawberry!
July 28th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Briefly read Michael Savage’s idiotic rant, pfft, the half-wits are on the loose this week!
Love the lunch with strawberry dessert
July 28th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
You do it everytime – get me laughing and laughing and laughing and…
I love the line, “We model ‘sitting.’ They approximate in return.” The whole sitting thing has been a major issue for my daughter at school we’ve tried just about every different kind of chair. Your story gives me hope that she’ll not only learn to sit for more than 5 seconds but actually have some table manners as well!
July 28th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
No one can write off your children. Absolutely not.
This is beautifully written.
Just tonight, I ate grapes that my two-year old joyfully brought me one at a time. Sometimes carrying them in his hand, sometimes his mouth, sometimes dropping and picking up more than once. Best fruit I ever ate.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Billy whizz and Bimble in one post… You are a wonder Maddy!