Piles of corruption
“Oopsie!”
I put down the unpeeled onion and skip over to my son buried in half a tonne of dried cat food.
“It broked,” he explains unnecessarily and delightfully.
“Never mind dear. I’ll soon get this swept up.”
“He is be hungrary.”
“Yes I guessed that because of all the yeowling.”
“But you are not be feed him.”
“Yes I’m sorry about that I was trying to feed the humans first.”
“Maddy!”
I dash out of the utility room into the kitchen where Nonna is helping empty the dishwasher. She waggles a wooden spoon at me. I give up “speech” and try hand signals instead. I point to the wooden spoon pot on the cooker.
“Mom!”
“Yes dear.”
“Look it’s funny!” he gaffaws. I jump into the family room where the BBC news has finished and the telly shows a scene of supreme unfunniness followed by a haemorroides advertisement. I snap off the power.
“Mom?”
“Yes dear?”
“When’s dinner gonna be?”
Next Wednesday if there’s a full moon and an R in the month.
“Probably about half an hour, hopefully.”
“But I’m starving now!”
“Have a banana.”
“Can you pass me one……please?”
I look at my daughter in a sea of Webkins on the green carpet.
“They’re in the fruit bowl dear, help yourself.”
I run back to my onion and hack it for speedy skin removal.
“Mom?”
“Yes dear?”
“Where’s the fruit bowl?”
“On the dining room table.”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Why do we call it a dining room?”
“Because the nosebag room is less sophisticated.”
“Right then!” mutters their father with a face full of biscuits.
“Right then what?”
“I’m off to work.”
“But you’ve only been home 5 minutes?”
“Three actually. See you later.”
“Right then,” Nonna repeats to no-one in particular.
“Right then what?”
“I’m off to bed. Good night.”
“You can’t go to bed yet!” I bellow at her retreating form.
“Why?”
“It’s only half past six……and you’ve not had any dinner yet.”
“Wot?”
I point at the clock above my head with a very sharp sparkling knife dripping with onion juice.
“Wot? It has stopped?”
“No, if anything it seems to be going faster.”
“Where’s he gone den?”
“Work. He’s gone to work,” I yell.
“Oh…….it is breakfast time?”
“Not until tomorrow.”
I stop the conversation with an attempt at rapid chopping, which of course is a silent exercise for many people. I put the knife down on the counter and take a deep breath wondering what to explain first. My son charges through the kitchen with a four foot broom in one hand and 12 inch magic wand in the other shrieking, “ seals leaks instantly! Seals leaks instantly! Seals leaks instantly!”
Now that’s something I could really use.
This must be why we all blog, for a little “Escapism.” I really should get out more often.
On a side note, if you have also missed the Olympics here’s a “link” that gave me my daily “giggle.”
Stumble it!
August 21st, 2008 at 12:44 am
“Seal leaks instantly!” Wow, that makes me think of an incontinent graduate of BUDS School. No problem when swimming toward the objective, I reckon, or even in combat while still wet, but embarassing around the normal folks. No wonder we don’t get to meet those Navy SEAL folks very often, if some of them just can’t hold their water.
August 21st, 2008 at 1:09 am
:: hands the chocolate, ice cream and coffee to Maddy ::
I think you may need them more than I right now.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:14 am
Whoa, I recognize that Webkins-mad girl and her self-evident questions and her apparent inability to get up and grab a banana for herself — and your irreverent nosebag answer! (Though then I’d have had to explain “what’s a nosebag?”!)
You describe your three-ring circus SO compellingly, but how you survive it is a mystery to me!
August 21st, 2008 at 5:29 am
your patience never fails to astound me Maddie
August 21st, 2008 at 6:06 am
Maddy, step away from the knives and other sharp instruments….
Love you.
Suzy
August 21st, 2008 at 6:13 am
i’m howling .. you should go to work as a translator at the UN .. you know, just to do something easier
August 21st, 2008 at 7:12 am
Oh, the chaos!! Sounds like you handled it beautifully. I’m assuming you somehow managed to get dinner done. Goodness…
August 21st, 2008 at 7:33 am
OMG Maddy, I love your chaos!
August 21st, 2008 at 7:53 am
Nicely written! It conveyed the pandemonium quite well…
August 21st, 2008 at 9:26 am
wow. i now feel better about my life. thanks!
August 21st, 2008 at 11:52 am
Hey, doll. School starts soon — are you as excited as I am? Hope things quiet down a bit once the routine’s established. I don’t know how you do it.
August 21st, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Oh Maddy, your kitchen sounds dangerous. I’m glad you’ve found some blogging peace. And thank you for entertaining the rest of us / putting our chaos in perspective.
August 21st, 2008 at 1:32 pm
“When’s dinner gonna be?”
Next Wednesday if there’s a full moon and an R in the month.
*dies laughing*
Deep breaths…put down the knife…
You are just awesome, and I wish I had half your poise.
August 21st, 2008 at 2:50 pm
i think you need my post today…a hard cider, a hot bath and a bit of soothing music.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:49 pm
And for your next holiday we’ll send you to war torn countries to sort out the factions and broker a peace deal…just a little something you could manage in your spare time
August 21st, 2008 at 5:19 pm
OMG, Woman, how do you do it ALL? Seriously, you amaze me, and you’re so damn funny to boot! If they had an Olympics for moms, you’d win the GOLD!