We are not one
We split up. Divide and………..hobble through. I take the child who has no words to the supermarket, for a mega shop before our guests arrive. To be fair, out guests are also very good friends. We could feed them Goldfish Crackers and water with no ill effects.
On arrival, after a unimaginably smooth transition, I read an item from the list aloud and he hurtles off with his telescope pinned to his eye ball, a game.
In less than 20 minutes we have a groaning trolly, overflowing at the check out. The bagger, a familiar face, is unusually cheerful. We exchange pleasantries. I notice him read the pull-up details and glance at my son, askew. He pops the paper prescription sack into a grocery bag, but not before checking for shop lifter additions and maybe the name?
For the first time ever, I notice that the bagger has a physical disability. I cannot decide if this is because I am abnormally distracted, abnormally undistracted on this particular occasion or completely unobservant. I mention my observation to him. I smile at him encouragingly, because we are all members of the same club, because I am an idiot. He winces because I am crass, inappropriate and extremely rude. With my ignorance caught on display, I cannot work out whether to apologise or simply shut up? I conclude that I am the one who is really not safe to be let out in public.
My son observes the checker with his telescope, in silence. I decide to move on although I'm not sure if it's to hide my own embarrassment or his? “Are you going over to the Farmer's Market tonight or is that considered treason?” I ask the bagger. He purses his lips in response. I feel waves of self pitying shame wash over me.
My son parks himself between my legs on the floor, horizontal, still in silent observation mode. Fortunately I wear trousers. As I struggle with payment I search for a life line. My son observes his own reflection in the mirror, which is strategically placed at floor level at an angle, thigh high, although I fail to comprehend the underlying strategy?
“Can I help you out with your bags today?” he asks in a tone that means the opposite.
“No thank you, my son will help.” We both look at my son who beams a toothy grin, which serves to say the day, for me at least.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Sending you a {{{hug}}}
We’ve all had foot-in-mouth disease at one time or another.
Tink *~*~*
My Mobile Adventures *~*~*
August 6th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
If only he knew why you mentioned that, how you hadn’t even noticed, how you said it because you don’t consider disability something to be ashamed of! In a perfect world, you wouldn’t be tasting shoe leather at all…
August 6th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
You know with all the conflicting messages we are sent about disabilities it’s really hard to get it right all the time.
I’ve been yelled at for holding a difficult door for a person with cruches and leg braces and at other times given dirty looks for not knowing what to do in other similar situations.
All we can do is plug along and learn from our experiences.
August 6th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
((HUGS))… I am afraid I do that often, well-intentioned. You’ve got a lot on your plate, so let this one go. Relax and breathe.
August 6th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Hammer is so right. In another instance your comment could have been received completely differently. Your intentions were good. You were picking up on social cues that turned out to be a bit misleading. I think you should absolve yourself on this one and go on.
We’ve all been on the other side of this situation. Some days we are receptive and some days we are more easily annoyed. Maybe this was one of those days for this young man.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Ditto Hammer! It is so hard to figure out what to do in certain situations. Out of your entire post I keep coming back to the beginning – the smooth transition. How on Earth did you manage that? Color me jealous!
August 6th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
this could happen to any of us! Please don’t worry to much. I’m afraid every time I open my mouth my foot goes in. Or my entire leg. Depending on how low my battery is and what I think is said to me…
And kudos for getting your son to help!
August 7th, 2008 at 12:04 am
For holding doors — I’d say don’t do it without asking. I just heard from someone who managed to become severely injured because they were disabled and had to go through doors their own way, someone held it open for them, and they fell through and crashed to the ground.
And every wheelchair user has stories about people who hold the door open but stand in a place where the person can’t get through it (and for those of us who can’t talk, we can’t necessarily do “excuse me” especially with our hands full).
If you get a grouchy reply — don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s probably just about the person having a bad day (maybe having had 20 similar conversations the same day and just being sick of it like anyone could get), not about you in particular.
What’s weird to me is how when I need help there’s usually nobody around, but when I don’t need help there’s five people grabbing at my chair and lifting it up off the ground to carry it who knows where (I’m serious). Just one of those weird things in life.
August 7th, 2008 at 6:14 am
Patrick loves the gorcery store mirror (the one the cashier can see in to check you’re not smuggling food out on the bottom of your cart). As someone who has repeatedly opened my mouth only to insert my foot….well, no advice. It is always difficult to know what to say/do and I try not to be too hard on myself.
I get funny looks when I say Patrick will help me with my groceries. I guess because he seems to the outside observer to have little body control. But he is very strong and is quite helpful.
August 7th, 2008 at 7:36 am
For my comments on other blogs ~ along the lines of ‘go easy on those rude able-bodied people’ I get stony silence. I’m glad to see some understanding among the comments to you. Able-bodied does not equal perfect social skills.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
it’s never easy .. this balance that we try to find, the fine line we attempt to walk
how do we know what’s ‘right’ when there are so many individual definitions ?
alas sometimes our best attempts to connect respectfully and honestly fall flat. but pls don’t stop trying to connect.
if not with the bagger, then at least with us . you’re biggest fans .. xo
August 11th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Hello Maddy,
One of the traits I most admire in people is self-awareness and self-criticism. Your children are in very good stead with a mature and kind mother like you.
Jeff Deutsch