Handy hint – the power of touch [the nudge]
Inferences are a stumbling block for many children and some autistic ones. These difficulties crop up in both language acquisition and in practical day to day life. For instance, on a cold day I might hold and open a jacket for one of my children. The visual cue of the jacket as well as the ambient cool temperature, just before school, may prompt many children into the ‘correct’ response of putting on additional clothing. However, that is not the case around here. Many parents use additional scaffolding to help their children navigate many of these hic-cups, such as verbal cues and or PEC’s.
All too frequently, in my limited experience, parents such as myself, miss an obvious step, skip ahead of ourselves or fail to note the obvious. Now although my long term memory isn’t as good as many, there is one thing about my youthful days that I can still recall. It was a morning ritual. My mother would crouch down to help me put on my shoes. She would say something like “well put your foot in it then!” I would look down at the top of her head. I could not see my feet. I could not see my shoes. My toes would wiggle about in search for the invisible shoe. My mother found it very frustrating. I think I also found it frustrating but probably more confusing than anything else. Because of this experience I make sure that when I help my own children with their shoes, that they have a clear view of both their feet and their shoes, although they generally sit on the ground. Standing on one leg is generally an advanced skill for many children.
One of the main differences between my experience and my children’s is that I was highly motivated to please my mother, to be a good girl, whereas this, until fairly recently, has not been a motivating force for the boys. Dressing, is not a high priority for them, they are indifferent. In addition, shoes are positively hateful, aversive. The combined effect is indeed a challenge.
If you need any hints on how to make shoes more fun, then I have a list as long as your arm, however these days, they are much more co-operative, so I am able to skip the step of hanging their shoes on my ears. Nonetheless, the visual and other prompts often fall flat. There is still a glitch in the executive function. It may be helpful to think of this as inertia:- everything is set up in place, ready and willing, but they need another little nudge to get the ball rolling in the right direction and overcome ‘stand still.’
So there I am on the floor, in front of my sitting child with the right shoe in front the correct foot. I say the right words in an aurally attention grabbing manner and yet no movement is forthcoming. It is easy to lose it completely at this moment, having already prompted, cued and encouraged every teeny tiny step of a morning routine for over an hour, times two. However, for my boys at least, I find that a gentle tap on the back of the calf, nudges the leg into that first movement. That’s all it takes. It’s like kicking away the brakes and away we go.
I don’t know where your child is on the spectrum. However, it may be that you can avoid the many “mistakes” that I made. One of my “mistakes” was my efficiency. I deemed my children incapable of anything. Teaching basic skills was way too time consuming and my attempts caused no end of tantrums. Therefore it was quicker for me to do everything for them, and I mean everything. As a result they remained helpless for far longer than they should have done. If you find yourself similarly situated, then maybe some small but significant and manageable lesson could begin. It is challenging to know exactly where to start with children who are unable to dress, toilet or eat by themselves.
It may be easiest to begin with something that they can already do. This may take a change in “perspective.” For example, the one thing that my children did quite marvelously was to remove all their clothing, frequently. I viewed this habit as a highly frustrating negative, especially since they were completely unable to dress themselves. I found it infinitely ironic. It took a long time to redress, each of them, many, many, many times a day. In fact to be quite honest, usually towards the end of the day I would simply give up, exhausted, hopeless, helpless and “useless.”
Then I learned about tactile defensiveness, just a little bit, just enough to give me a clue, a very tiny clue.
It was one small part to tackle. If they were without clothes then their bodies were available for contact and sensory diets came into our lives. Shortly after that the reality of ‘generalization of skills’ also made it’s impact. They learned, gradually, to enjoy sand play and other more obscure pastimes. One obscure pastime was a huge box filled with garbanzo beans, to waist height. Body painting, shaving cream, chocolate spreading and no end of different textures to explore, as we tried to desensitize them. There was ample opportunity, due to a lack of clothing. It took a long time and even sand play became fun, but it was only fun at home. It was not fun at day care, nor the beach, nor the park, because generalization also has to be taught.
I made many, many mistakes as I learned, because one child was a sensory seeker and the other was hell bent on avoidance. I learned brushing skills, but I am still very bad at it.
As usual I digress.
As I write, I am mindful of the fact that this will never reach those whom I would most wish to reach. Those people do not blog. They have no time to blog as they are far too busy doing what needs to be done, alone, just like I used to be. If they’re lucky they may have a few friends, but those friendships have dwindled in number and thinned in frequency. But in conclusion I would like to say that no matter how difficult some days can be, better and brighter days become more frequent, hopefully for all of us.
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:11 am
Thankyou Maddy.
I think this is why I blog, because I find such a wealth of helpful information and support.
I often fall into the trap of ‘it is easier and quicker to do it myself’. This summer holidays has been a time for me to step back with both my girls and encourage them to expand their skills, it is hard.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:49 am
Wow, Maddy.
EVERYDAY you give so much! I am certain that there are many more like Marita who benefit from your wise prose. Somehow, your wisdom does reach those non-bloggers, too. I believe.
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:50 am
and maddy THIS is why you must put this stuff in book form honey! it’s already here, all done with photos too. truly you are amazing and i know some publisher would love this.
hugs, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:35 am
Funny, but I also wrote about shoes and expediency last night! (Slightly different story though.)
And yes, I tend to do most everything too, and yet I still find time to blog. I think I need a cape. I feel like superwoman now.
Wait, this was supposed to inspire me to help the kids ditch the learned helplessness, not feel proud of myself around it. Damn!
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:52 am
You reached me! Thank you, I can identify so much with this. My 3 yr. old is a serious sensory avoider & can be frustratingly prone to executive function issues.. and yes I often make the mistake of doing too much for him too.
Thanks for this post, it is really helpful!
(i do have a blog but often neglect it for the obvious reasons, trying to change that though).
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:59 am
You may not reach “them” now, but maybe in the future. When you found me as a made my first steps in blogging, I came here and read so much and have been thoroughly encouraged. In fact I have never put any of your specific tips into action, but have learned from your attitude. J has gone from wearing the same sandal through 3 pairs (worn out and a new size) to a 2nd type of sandal, to now actually choosing to wear socks and sneakers. Next we will tackle sneakers with laces and learn to tie them. No matter how much he whines, I don’t give in. He puts them on himself every day with out assisstance, even as his foot slides in he says he can’t do it.
Oh and I don’t know about you but my posts on shoe obsessions get some of the most hits on my blog. It cracks me up, and though they never comment I hope they realize they are not alone.
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:49 am
It never occurred to me that I could be blocking their view of their feet when I helped my kids’ with their shoes. Duh! My older kid can put his shoes on all by himself. But my younger one needs help depending on the shoe. I have to remember this the next time and try to move out of her way. I think we will both be less frustrated.
Thank you!
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:59 am
“better and brighter days become more frequent” –
Indeed they are! There will always be set-backs, the hard days, but we are making progress! Whether it is with sensory or social issues or language development, we parents and kids are moving forward.
P.S. I completely agree that the “mistake” you linked to was a big one on the part of those who inflicted it.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Thank you for your wisdom, Maddy. (And I never thought about my kid not seeing her shoes b/c my big head is in the way.) I hope more and more non-bloggers will find your words. You are such a help and an encouragement.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
You know, that is how I found your blog. I lived in a small town, and found that I had no one who understood what I was going through. The couple of “support groups” were really just whiners wallowing in self-pity and talking about how much they hated autism, or felt burdened by their children, or other things that completely put me off. We all feel discouraged and a bit hopeless at times – that was understandable. But it was clear that the support groups weren’t for me.
I started looking online for support – just something I could relate to. And I found this blog, and others, by parents who chronicled (in Maddy’s case so eloquently and with such great humor) the daily triumphs and defeats. And I felt better. I wasn’t the only person on earth whose children could hear the flourescent lights humming, and whose 4 year old wasn’t potty trained. I wasn’t the only one who saw three words strung together as reason for a huge fiesta.
It made a great difference in my life, for which I am eternally grateful.
So yes: many of those who need it do not blog. But some of us do read. Thank you.
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:46 pm
I appreciate this post so much, Maddy, and have been taking baby steps towards encouraging independence, but not enough. Michael is capable of so much more than I let him/push him to do, and my overdoing things for him is likely holding him back from seeing how strong & smart he really is.
Now I think I need to go buy those shoes with laces and help him learn to tie them. And to remember to keep reaching out to the moms I meet in real life with encouragement as well.
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Thank you, thank you, thank you. My two year old has just been diagnosed, although I think he has only mild autism, but the fact that he hates his shoes, particularly sandals (which is a problem this time of year in Australia!!), is an issue that I could relate to in this blog (I’m aware that that sentence doesn’t make sense but ah I give up). Also the trap of ‘doing things for him’ for efficiency’s sake is something that I see myself falling into so it was a bit of an eye opener to read you write about that.
I’m new to your blog but I’m bookmarking it now and I’ll definitely be back.
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:49 am
Maddy,
All I can say is “thank you.” I can relate most everything you are feeling and saying. I don’t blog as much as I should, because I simply enjoy reading other blogs. I have made some big “mistakes” and I am in this alone. My other half is figuratively “out to lunch.” The shoe thing: Brendan does not like wearing “new” shoes. I dread the trip to the store when it occurs. All I can say is, that you and others have made ME feel comfortable as a Mom, because I am not the only one. We are all in this together. Thanks again.
January 24th, 2009 at 6:52 am
This post certainly struck a cord for me, as I still make those mistakes sometimes. I particularly appreciated the parallel between motivation and inertia. My son sometimes even with a strong motivator (sitting in his underwear freezing with his clothes right in front of him) sometimes still needs a nudge to get him going.
Thanks for being such a steady presence. I haven’t had the leisure to visit here as often as I used to or as I would like, but I’m never disappointed when I get here!
January 24th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Hmm. Well, mostly we don’t need shoes, really. You might lead the boys across some unpleasant ground, all sharp and gravelly, while barefoot.
I don’t think it would be a good idea to terrorize them with thoughts of hookworms. Maybe you could convince them that shoes isolate their feet from the icky filth on the street? I dunno. I reckon going barefoot prolly won’t hurt them, aside from other people looking at them derisively, which I betcha they don’t care about anyway.
Most Americans, up to a hundred years or so ago, spent their childhoods barefoot. We seem to have done all right. Don’t make me come out there and whack you upside the head with my copy of “Albion’s Seed.” It’s a big thick heavy book, and it’ll hurt! (I preen, smugly, as one who is descended entirely from British folks who were here before the revolution, except for my mother’s English grandmother whom I suspect of having cheated by coming here aboard a steamship
January 25th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
maddy – you always talk such good sense.