Proceed with caution

One of my many duties as Head Cook and Chief bottle washer of this joint is to tackle the accumulation of miscellaneous stains that have recently appeared around the premises. Although we are in the midst of a heavily armed, hand-washing campaign, nevertheless I find I have been remiss in my vigilance.

Whilst I can think of many other things that I should prefer to do, there comes a time when the graffiti can no longer be ignored. Armed with my trusty scrubber, soap and several gallons of elbow grease, I make a start.

The first one is an ominous brown smear but it passes the sniff test, so I know that is benign, Belgium Chocolate pudding I’ll be bound. As I scrub I hear the sweetly melodic strains of my youngest son’s latest ditty, “threedy boogie college,” to a familiar tune, with his usual robotic dance steps. I move swiftly on to the next one, marker that is neither magic nor washable. “Threedy boogie college,” wafts down the stairs, a chorus of cherubic artistic expression. Bless his little cotton socks.

As the walls become ever more patchy because this is an ongoing process, I notice that the paintwork is wearing thin. I pause to consider whether it might be more expedient to re-paint the entire interior of the house but decide against it on the grounds that a few more years will probably pass before any such transformation is possible. “Threedy boogie college.” How much better to wait a wee while so that I may bask in the delights of innocent childhood. I can almost look forward to my dotage, armed with a paint brush, ladder and a walking frame for support. It is whilst I daydream of the future that my daughter saunters across, “whatya doing Mom?”

“Cleaning.”

“Ya missed a bit.”

“Did I? Where?”

“Jus there.”

I peer and sniff, “what do you suppose that is?”

“He says it’s art.”

“Art?”

“Yeah, didncha hear him singin it? It’s a 3-D booger collage.”

“!”

“Ask him yourself. You should ask him about his gallery.”

“Gallery?”

“Yeah, I said he should call it a gallery and charge admission.”

“Admission?”

“Yeah, gallery’s opening tonight, right around bed time.”

“Bedtime?”

“Yeah! Top bunk bed, pillow end.”

“!”

Who was the Great Master who cut off his own ear? I’ll bet his mum did it.

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