I bimble around the garden muttering to myself as my youngest son sits in the shade in his underpants and a Mario baseball cap. He is busily occupied pushing playdough through the mesh table top, to form piles of neon spaghetti on the ground beneath. It’s a tough work out for feeble little fingers, but the texture is no longer torture.

He is a study in concentration, oblivious to my presence. It is a rare sight indeed to see him sitting. I suspect that the same mesh pattern may be imprinted elsewhere upon his person, testament to his increasing powers of endurance. “It is so hot! We really shouldn’t be out in the sun you know.”
“I am not…..in dah sun,” he remarks, checking the dappled light through the foliage of the pergola.
“Hmm. I think I need a hat or something?”
“Big hat. Little cloves.”
It’s a valid point but I am way beyond the age where a bikini can be a realistic option.
“I swear it must be 100 degree out here!”
“No swear! Bad to be swear.”
“Oh that’s not swearing as such.”
“It is be dah figure of speech?”

I rip off the sweaty gardening gloves and step over to him. His minimalist approach to language and conversation is so often peppered with huge lumps of sophistication, if I were only paying attention.

I believe it may be time to take a poll of stay at home parents.

The trouble with polls, is that I need to frame the question in a manner to leave no margin of error, to avoid false positives and true negatives, as I have always been of a scientific frame of mind.

It would probably go something like this:-

‘How do you rate your ability to pin point the location of the screamer within the confines of your own home, where 1 equals poorly or infrequently and 10 equals 100% accuracy, always?’

Truly scientific persons will tell me that it is always wrong to predict an outcome, that I should remain impartial, unbiased and objective.

The fact that I can even ask such a question is a measure of how far we have all come. This question presupposes that our children are not within sight. What does that mean? It means that for my boys at least, that they are not being carried, they are physically detatched from my personage. Yes, unlikely as it may seem, my body belongs to me once again. Less than a year ago, to be out of sight would be to provoke a massive meltdown. Out of visual contact equated to departed, or possibly worse, but I digress.

Up until yesterday, I would have subjectively granted myself a 10 because ‘always’ can be such a delightful word. 6 months ago, my accuracy took a great nose dive when the children discovered that it was possible to go upstairs alone, without me and survive the experience. Suddenly I have a whole new slew of locations to categorize. I have been up and down those stairs these six months, more times than in the previous 10 years. I am certain that I have beaten the land speed record on a daily basis whilst my children challenge the sound barrier.

Like most parents I am usually able to categorize the true nature of the scream; mild irritation, cross, pain, imminent death, which in turn controls my response, frequently automatic. It’s like the hot line to the fire department, no thought required, merely action.

Hence, I am now once again confident in announcing that my 100% accuracy rate has been recaptured, or so I thought.

***

I nip outside during electronics time when each child is happily engaged in their own personal obsession. Supper is well on the way but I need a few herbs to jazz up the taste buds. I hover with the kitchen shears in hand as I dither over Basil or Majoram. At first it is merely a squeak, a cross between a nose blow and a squeal of excitement, a common precuser to word production. The sound is familiar, the location is not. I twist round to peer back inside the gloom of house from the dazzling sunshine outside. Who is missing and why? What could possibly drag them away from electronics time, the highlight of the day? A voice drifts down from on high, “Hi……Mom!” I shade my eyes and look up to see my son hanging over the top of the guard rail with a huge wonky grin. “What it is?”
“It’s……the…..balcony.”
To be fair it’s never been ‘off limits,’ merely ‘off radar,’ myself included.
“What?”
“Balcony, it’s called a balcony.”
“Why?”
“Um……..its for…….standing and looking.”
“I am stand.”
“Good. Stay put!”
“I am look.”
“Fantastic. Stay there, don’t move a muscle.” I leg it upstairs into my bedroom and out through the doors onto the balcony to stand behind my son. “I am like here.”
I link my hands under his arms, rest my chin on his head and take a few breaths, listen, to see if my heart has started beating again, “I like it too.”

I stand on the balcony with my son, a part of the house that I had forgotten existed. I have stood here before, maybe twice for approximately 30 seconds, during how many years?

Time to scrub up the balcony and maybe dust off my radar.

Just in case you have been busy with your real life, I have three new posts up on Trusera that you may have time to cast an eye over. I’ll name them so that you don’t have to click over there unnecessarily:-

“Pica, more common than you think”

“Autistic Caress”

“Not Autism”

Some bloggers have sitemeters. Some bloggers check their sitemeters to see who is searching what subject, if they are brave. Occasionally I am brave and check. What follows are three pieces upon subjects that three people researched via google.

This is the third topic:-

Not Autism

Apart from the people who search rude subjects and words, by far the most common searches that I see on my blog, are lists of what might be called ‘symptoms’ followed by the two words ‘not autism.’

When I see them, I get a lump in my throat, but it’s all foolish conjecture on my part. I feel sorry for the people who have unwittingly ended up on my site, as there are so “many sites” with accurate laundry lists of “what signs to watch for.” Those poor benighted searchers, looking for answers, I feel such a cheat.

To read more click “here.”

“Delilah” over at “Floating in Space” tagged me for the five things meme. People with better memories that “Delilah” will know that I only did this last week, but fortunately I have a very capacious handbag and I can pick a different room just like “she” did, little rule breaker!

I’m still disappointed that no chaps stepped up on their stilettos and claimed to be bag owners, but I can live in hope and give them all a second chance. Surely there are other people out their with aspirations to match Eddie Izzard?

5 [more] things in my bag

1. Palm pilot with flat battery that refuses to sync.
2. Camera. Never leave home without it, battery always charged.
3. Digital voice recorder. Never leave home without it, battery always charged.
4. Teeny tiny perfume vial. I only wear one kind due to my unique skin chemistry, every else smells like gnat’s….
5. Emergency book with broken spine. Currently this is “Send in the Idiots, Stories from the other side of autism,” by Kamram Nazeer.

5 favourite things in my room, current room is the family room.

1. a huge sea trunk that belonged to my paternal grandfather. It’s covered in labels from some of the destinations he visited. It weighs a tonne when empty. It is full of toys and has a little label on it that reads ‘trunk.’

2. The piano that my mother bought for me when I was 11, second hand, an old pub piano complete with ring marks from beer tankards. Five pounds for the piano, ten pounds for delivery.

3. Two huge sugar pine cones that my daughter collected on one of her forays. They are now a permanent fixture as the sugar sap has glued them in place. [Just as well I like them really!]

4. Sliding glass doors on two sides that give me a clear view of my favourite place to play.

5. Two furry creatures who pretend to like our family.

One way or another there appears to be something missing from this meme apart from the 5 people to tag. Shouldn’t there be five sections? Never mind I’ll make up my own.

5 things that you don’t do any more.

1. Quilling
2. Calligraphy
3. Embroidery
4. Cake decoration [sugar craft]
5. Painting

5 Favourite flowers

1. Pelargoniums
2. Freesias
3. Rosemary [ o.k. so it's not really a flower but it must be the most usefully delightful plant in the garden]
4. Grape hyacinths, snow drops, lilies of the valley …..
5. Arum lilies, particularly fortunate as they’re associated with funerals at home, but not out here and they grow in abundance.

There we go, now just to tag five people! I’ll cheat and take the last five commenters!

“Last Crazy Horn” at “Odd one out,” not “that” should make an interesting read!

Also to “Jams O Donnell” at “”the poor mouth,” it’s not a fix honest, although I admit I seem to have muddled up the order of the comments.

“Daedalus” from “Stranger than you can imagine,” What can I say? Three guys on the run. I suggest you tell us the contents of your grocery bags instead, just a suggestion. That might be far more interesting so that we can type cast you into ‘pop tart’ guys or organic celery stick chaps.

Can’t do “Delilah” as she tagged me in the first place!

Nor “Lime” as I tagged her last week.

Then to “Niks mom” at “Maternal Instincts, Flying by the Seat of my pants.”

as if you don’t have enough to do already right?

Ah I’ve figured out what’s happening, the comments come by email and don’t necessarily match the order on the blog - see I wasn’t cheating honest! Then we have to skip those who don’t have blogs [yet, is the operative word here I hope!]

Then to “Furiousball” so kick of the training shoes, jogging is so bad for you and grab those four inch heels!

Cheers dears

Our household was a relatively quiet one when I was a child. My father would bark at us occasionally, more of a call to order, but on the whole, raised voices were frowned upon. Shouting was considered to be the manifestation of someone’s inability to express themselves in a more erudite manner.

To read more click “Here.”

“Joey’s Mom” over at “Joey and Mom” tagged me for this 5 things meme, so I shall endeavour to give it my best shot!

5 things found in your bag:

I am a bag! Do we mean a handbag? I’ll assume we do. Let me have a quick poke around. Ah. Ipod [with flat battery. ] Telephone [with flat battery] Purse with credit card and receipts but no actual money. [Just like the Queen!] Key fob heavy enough to tie round my ankles and drown in the nearest lake. Folded book with lots of scribbles. [The Explosive Child - I'll let you know if it's any good.] Retainer case [wish it wasn't pink!] Toothbrush and paste. Notebook and pen just in case. Dictaphone. [with flat battery] Emergency supplies for the children =
Stop watch.
Nail clipper.
Safety pin.
Plasters.
Retractable tape measure.
Ever so slightly furry M & Ms

Oh it’s supposed to be five?

5 favorite things in your room:

Bedroom?
1. Bed
2. Chair
3. Big cupboard
4. Wicker chair
5. Coffin

Ooo I missed the ‘favourite’ bit.

Favourite bits in Bedroom:-
1. Patchwork quilt I made as a teenager, ugly as sin but a testament to perseverance
2. Small Flower pot with biro inserted with fake purple flower attached - art work from smallish person
3. Pillow that is shaped like a inverted V, ancient and unavailable in the States. [It props me up when I read and is never used for nefarious purposes.]
4. Fluff Muffs commonly referred to as slippers
5. Sketch given to us by Nonna

5 things you have always wanted to do:

1. Learn to play the saxophone
2. Go abseiling again
3. Visit the Hanging Gardens of Babylon
4. Er

5. Um

5 things you are currently into:

Survival.

5 people you’d like to tag:

“Michelle” from “House of Lime”
“Mrs. G” from “Derfward Manor”
“Vi” from “Village Secrets”
“Angela” from “Memoirs of a Chaotic Mommy”
“Bonbon Mamma” from “Is this what you do all day.”

I feel a little mean not tagging any chaps, but I’m not at all sure that I know any chaps who have a bag. If you are a chap and you do happen to have a bag, feel free to jump on in [don't forget to let me know! - you will of course thus confirm your European status.]

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times [a day!] Those electronic game devices are the scourge of my life. However, they are the single most motivating force in the boys’ lives.

It’s hard to pin point which feature is most annoying: the irritating, monotonous tunes that jangle through my brain, the inability of anyone to wear a set of head phones, the squeaks and yells that they utter continuously whilst playing, their meltdowns of frustration as the fight their way up the learning curve of a new game or new level,

Then today, what do I find? I find that the wireless feature, that we parents have been unable to locate, utilize or translate, they discover for themselves. As if this isn’t proof enough of their innate abilities, we also learn that they are willing to communicate, one to the other. One draws a little picture with a word or two of description, or a message and then pings it across to the other one. The other one roars with laughter and then returns the favour. Facilitated communication, reciprocal something or other and a whole heap for fun for them both.

Their willingness to communicate in this manner is unprecedented. I am stunned into awestruck silence as I watch them ping back and forth. This heady experience has me dumbstruck until I’m prompted by “how you are spell?”
“How do you spell what dear?”
“How you are spell ‘room.’?”
I oblige.
“How you are spell?”
“How do you spell what dear?” The all essential and most elusive skill of referencing back is still missing. Will always be missing. They will never ever put the clue in the question.
“How you are spell ‘thank you’?”
I oblige. He opens his mouth to ask another one but I jump right in, “you know instead of saying two sentences, you can just say one and get the answer quicker.”

He looks at me blankly, too many words to process. I try again.
“You could say ‘how to you spell……’ and then fill in the blank?”
“Fill in the blank? I am not wanting blank?” I bite my lip.
“No……how do you spell Torchic or Treecko or Mudkip. You add the word you want to spell to the question.”
“I am not want spell doze words.” I grab a pad of paper and a pencil. For some reason the written word so often works, where the spoken word is indecipherable. I write it down for my visual learner with dodgy auditory processing skills. He reads with care. I wait.

“So what do you want to spell now?”

He spells it out to me, word by word, syllable by syllable, just to make it clear.
“Er……how you be…….can I be spell……how you are spell….B..I..N..G..O!” he blasts before rolling on the floor in guffaws of laughter.

Oh the misery of it all.

I notice an alarming new trend. Some little thief keeps pinching the digital camera. The result? When I load a new batch of photos onto the computing I come face to face with this tattered old woman, the poster child for “frownies.” She always has the same slightly blurred expression, one claw hand extended in a reach to snaffle back the ownership of the camera.

In an ideal world, this is a battle I should win because he is snapping photos whilst running backwards. Meanwhile I shall continue to fight my attitude if it continues to be captured on celluloid.

Today I am also over “here” at “Trusera” with “For Frantic Parents.”

Ms.Wordy Wednesday drops in for a chat:-

“My, my, my! Photograph with label! Your photographic skills are coming along nicely!”
“Actually that’s a very old photograph, things have gone downhill since then.”
“?”
“The old computer had a photographic programme and the new computer doesn’t, so whatever I snap is whatever I’m stuck with.”
“Why don’t you download the old program?”
“I don’t know what it was called.”
“Hmm give me a mo and I’ll try and find a recommendation for you.”
“Make sure it’s a cheap one!”
“Don’t worry, it’ll be ……….idiot proof!”
“Very fitting.”
“So ……it’s a 3-D puzzle thing? Are those magnets?”
“Yes indeedy.”
“Fun.”
“Fun for some.”
“Ah……not for some others? Yours?”
“Mine.”
“Doesn’t fall into the category of preferred activities then?”
“Torture.”
“Lack of motivation?”
“You really get this don’t you! You should go into special ed, you’d be a real asset.”
“So this is another mega achievement?”
“Magna! Got it in one.”
“Does this link to last weeks one on hand strength.”
“Yes. Tell you what!”
“What?”
“See that pencil by the side of your computer? Pick it up.”
“O.k…..and?”
“How did you pick it up?”
“With my thumb and forefinger.”
“That’s called a pincher grip.”
“And?”
“It’s very difficult to do, to get those two fingers to connect and be strong enough to lift something.”
“Geez. Really? What do you do about that!”
“Practice. But it’s hard because they’re not really motivated, and there’s always the texture thingummy too.”
“I can’t believe how that tactile defensiveness stuff gets into everything.”
“Indeed. But that’s only the little one.”
“What about the bigger one?”
“He has different issues.”
“Such as?”
“He has trouble with depth perception, seeing where things are in relation to other things, but I won’t go into that now.”
“It’s hard to believe that there’s so much stuff going on all at the same time.”
“Sometimes it’s hard for me to see the wood from the trees. Also it’s really hard for them to make their bodies move in the way that they want them to move.”
“How do you mean?”
“Say you try to pat your head with one hand and rub your tummy in a circular movement with the other at the same time.”
“Oh that old trick.”
“Difficult! That’s what it’s like for them for lots of ordinary everyday tasks.”
“Lummy.”
“That’s why the magnets were so great.”
“Ah, because they didn’t have to be that precise in their movements, just near enough and the magnets would latch on.”
“Exactly. And do you know what the best bit was?”
“What?”
“As he tried to put them together his hands were quaking with the effort and finally he made that cube.”
“Oh yes, success is always gonna be self reinforcing, he’ll try again, have a sense of achievement.”
“We all need a bit of that in our lives.”
“So how long did it take to get to that stage?”
“Don’t even go there dearie!”
“Probably…………….much quicker than you will with the photoshop programme!”
“!”

…….

If you are interested in something more practical, you may wish to read my piece on “guided imaging” over at “Trusera.”